hi
From the monthly archives:
August 2009
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Experiment? Do you understand the meaning of that word?
“A hoax video purporting to show Michael Jackson hopping out of a coroner’s van alive was produced by a German television station as an experiment, the broadcaster told CNN Monday.”
Somebody please explain to me what I’m missing here. What exactly was the “experiment” part of this experiment? I’m as confused as Mike Tyson at the spelling bee.
“It was made to show how easy it is to spread rumors online, said Heike Schultz, a spokeswoman for RTL, the leading private broadcaster in Germany.”
Well then, it wasn’t an experiment, dumbass. It was a demonstration, like when I knock a guy out and stand over him sh0wing him the bottom of my nut sack. If I remember correctly, between trying to jerk off in my pants and eat a fruit roll up at the same time, 8th grade taught me that an experiment needs a control, and variable, and a hypothesis. Help me out here Heiki….explain son.
This was probably just a really bad idea, and some dumbshit (ie. Heiki Schultz) took it and ran with it. Kinda like that time I decided to take a poop on my girlfriend’s car, as a practical joke, and then her dad saw me – mid squat. I really should have just told him it was an experiment, then I would have gotten off scot-free, with maybe a post poop BJ. Oh well, you live and you learn I guess.
WTF!
Director of Shithead
Dear Tom Ridge,
What happened Tom? Heat a little too hot in the kitchen once you threw the “Crusade 2.0 crew” under the bus for your own economic gain?
Former Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge, speaking for the first time about accusations made in his new book, says he did not mean to suggest that other top Bush administration officials were playing politics with the nation’s security before the 2004 presidential election.
Tom, are you an invertebrate? Can’t anyone have a backbone and stand up and be accountable for something? Anything? In the spirit of capitalism, you wrote a tell-all book to make money and in this book you said:
“Ashcroft strongly urged an increase in the threat level, and was supported by Rumsfeld,” he writes. “There was absolutely no support for that position within our department. None. I wondered, ‘Is this about security or politics?’ “ Although he prevailed and the threat level was not elevated, Ridge writes that the episode reinforced his decision to resign. He did so weeks after the election.
Wow. That really is some tell-all stuff! But you had to have known that that sentence alone would sell half of your books and being the Director of Homeland Security after 9/11, you must have had every CIA Tom, Dick and Harry scan through your book for things you are allowed to divulge and things you aren’t. There must haven been multiple times someone editing your book lowered their glasses, raised their eyebrows, looked you in the eye and then pointed to the above text in red. And what did you do? You nodded with the armor of honesty and justice because it had to be said, the public needed to know what really happened.
Last week, when word got out about Ridge’s accusations, Rumsfeld’s spokesman Keith Urbahn issued a statement calling them “nonsense.” Now, Ridge says he did not mean to suggest he was pressured to raise the threat level, and he is not accusing anyone of trying to boost Bush in the polls. “I was never pressured,” Ridge said.
You fucking pussy. Does Rummy use your nuts like Chinese stress balls or something? Your inability to tell the truth when it happened was shameful enough. Your deciding to use the truth to sell some books was even worse. Your now renegging on the truth because of the heat you took from the “Fear Factor crew” is despicable. You were just pressured into making a decision for what’s sure to be political gains. How ironic. But I’m sure we’ll hear about this little game in your next book 5 years from now after you’ve won a Senate seat.
Tom, you’re a prick and you wear prick pants.
Sincerely,
Browtf
Sometimes ignoring doesn't work.
Since the 9th century BC, scientists and psychologists alike, have proven that the nagging abilities of a female is enough to wreak havoc on a male’s brain, driving him to bug out to levels that even war has not driven him to. But this is another level completely.
A man jumped into a fast-flowing river because he couldn’t take his wife’s nagging anymore. The Chinese truck driver, known as Zhou, and his wife were on a ferry on the Yangtze River when it all became too much for him, the Chongqing Evening Post reports.
Oh come on. How bad could the nagging have been? There must be some misunderstanding. I’m sure the guy fell overboard accidentally. These things happ-
Members of the ship’s crew saw the man suddenly run out of his cabin with his hands covering his ears, and shouting: “I can’t stand it any longer.” They initially thought he was suffering from an ear injury and went to help him but found he was unhurt. “While we were still puzzling over the this, his wife ran up and continued nagging him,” said a crewmate. “The husband covered his ears again and said: ‘I need a break’ before jumping over the side into the rushing river.
Jesus Christ! Think about this for one moment. The man was so fed up with his wife’s nagging that he jumped off a fucking boat in the middle of the night because he needed a break. A break. This man’s only solace from getting an ear full of an “estrogen fueled expectation lambasting” was plunging into the waters of the Yangtze River, where as one crew member put it,
“The possibility of survival can be zero.”
The dude needed a break from the continuous torment of his wife, and his choice for that sliver of peace was almost guaranteed death. Either this guy’s fuse made The Incredible Hulk’s look like a zip line or this woman asked more questions than a 3-year-old devil child who just learned the word “Why”.
However, later that night, police found the man who had managed to swim about 2km across across the broad river. “I felt I was dying, but even that’s better than my wife’s nagging,” he reportedly told the police.
2km?! Dying was better than being nagged? Lady, I don’t know what you have been riding your husband about but unless he wipes his ass with towels and throws them on the bed, you might want to let some shit slide. Sure he could use some new shoelaces, trim his ear hair, floss more, lose a pound or two, and not get so much water on the bathroom floor, but cut the guy some slack.
The couple were reunited the following morning at the local police station where Zhou’s wife promised to give up her habit of nagging him.
That a girl.
That's heavy
When was the last time you could comprehend anything weighing 12.5 tons? Besides that time I rested my penis on your shoulder. (Ohhhhhhhhhh snap! I got you good, there!)
Riverside County sheriff’s deputies have seized more than 25,000 pounds of marijuana in what they say is the largest confiscation of pot in the history of the department.
Holy. You know what else weighs 25,000 pounds?
- A fucking whale shark
- 30,188 boxes of spaghetti (A 25,000 lb piece of spaghetti would be 1775 miles long. Miles. That’s from NYC to Denver)
- 246,913 golf balls (if my math serves me right, that is equal to a golf ball, 8.4 feet in diameter! Fore.)
- 2.5 Blackhawk helicopters (Not 2.5 dark colored birds. 2.5 heli-copters!)
- 25,000 pounds of feathers
- 25,000 pounds of bricks (I’m still pretty sure the bricks weigh a few pounds more than the feathers though, but it’s close)
So, that’s a lot of weed.
Dear California, tax the goddamn stuff and get out of your economic malaise. Also, please send Snoop Dogg my condolences. I’m sure there aren’t UPS tracking numbers for this kind of stuff but he should be informed that the package he was expecting won’t be arriving anymore.
Almost as impressive as this
Sometimes a heist gets so big and complex that you need three people just to conceive of it and make sense of it all. I imagine putting this heist together was like proposing string theory for the the first time. But as you will see, the problem with a heist of this complexity is that things can go haywire at any minute.
Gainesville Police Department spokesman Lt. Keith Kameg says three men approached a 17-year-old Monday and demanded $5. When the teen could only produce 75 cents, one of the men punched him in the mouth.
That’s one way to handle a snag during the operation.
Police have arrested 18-year-old Darrell Butler, 19-year-old Frazier Mack and 18-year-old Mazavious Ross. They face charges of robbery and conspiracy. Bond for Butler and Mack was set at $40,000. Ross’ was set at $100,000.
Frazier Mack? Mazavious Ross? Were these characters in a Tarantino movie or something? Mazavious’s bond was set 20,000 times greater than the amount of money he was originally seeking. By this rationale, if he tried to rob a bank of $1,000,000, but only got offered $150,000, he would punch that person in the face and be in jail on a $20 billion bond. Seems about right.
Kameg did not know if the group already had attorneys. He said authorities believe the suspects were members of a gang.
Lt. Kameg, let me help out your investigation here. They don’t have lawyers. These three guys just tried to rob someone for a total of 5 U.S. dollars, without knowing if this person had $5 on him. I’m guessing that they don’t have paid legal representation on speed dial. You can go back to focusing on the Gators football season now.
This masturbation stuff is mind blowing. I need a cig.
When you put those words together, you are bound to get some browtf-ness.
The United Nations is recommending that children as young as five receive mandatory sexual education that would teach even pre-kindergarteners about masturbation and topics like gender violence. Under the U.N.’s voluntary sex-ed regime, kids just 5-8 years old will be told that “touching and rubbing one’s genitals is called masturbation” and that private parts “can feel pleasurable when touched by oneself.”
Maybe if I knew that when I was 5, I could have avoided this conversation I had in the 7th grade.
8th Graders: Hey Commodore, are you a Master Baitor when you go fishing?
Me: Ummm, yeah. I’m pretty good.
8th Graders: So you’re a master baitor?
Me: I guess so.
8th Graders: Hahahahaha.
Me: (crying). Wait no. NO I’M NOT!!!
If I had 7 years of masturbation marination, I wouldn’t have felt so weird humping my bed when I was 12 and jizzing all over myself repeatedly. I could have told those 8th graders, “My masturbation prowess is already a fait accompli and I am on to sticking a finger in my own butt during orgasm, bitches.” Boo ya. And then I could have done the hand gesture for masturbating and “blew” it their faces and then sprinkled my hands down (as if indeed it were “raining” semen).
(But seriously, I don’t have regrets about my life that keep me up at night.)
At 12, they’ll learn the “reasons for” abortions — but they’ll already have known about their safety for three years. When they’re 15, they’ll be exposed to direct “advocacy to promote the right to and access to safe abortion.”
But in the U.S, they still won’t be able to have alcohol until they’re 21. So when they’re 12, how are you going to explain the old, “I was drunk and thought it would be ok to ejaculate inside a girl who wasn’t on the pill, because I was so tired of cumming all over myself all these years…and because I’m the man!” reason that a guy is sure to give at some point in his life?
I’m just saying…the program needs some tweeks.
Make sure to double check these things when the man downstairs is leading the way.
I think it would be fun to be a police officer sometimes (not the times you are actually getting shot at or generally putting yourself in harms way to “serve and protect”, obviously). I’m referring to times like these.
According to Hillsborough Sheriff’s deputies, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora sent his wife a text message saying that he had been kidnapped, but that she should not panic. He later sent several more texts where he claimed that he was negotiating his release, which was when she called the police.
Wikler, when your last name is so close to calling you a moron…twice, you have to be extra careful, especialy when you’re thinking with your penis. Now, I realize that you live in Florida and that the “IQ jet stream” tends to stay a bit north of you guys but, seriously? You couldn’t think of a better alibi? Stuck in traffic? Accident on the road? Flat tire? Running errands? Going to Pink Berry? Making a house call for one of your parishoners in need? Nope. You chose, “I was kidnapped.” When you lie, the goal is for the other person to then not any more questions regarding the statement you just lied about.
As a general rule, if you tell your spouse via text message that you have been kidnapped, I don’t think she is just going to continue pruning the bushes, unconcerned about your wherabouts.
More than a dozen Hillsborough deputies were involved in the search for the pastor, who was eventually located by tracing his cell phone. When deputies found him, Moran-Mora allegedly admitted that he had concocted the kidnapping story to spend time with the woman who was in his presence when he was found.
Father, you must not have seen Enemy of the State, Eagle Eye, Man on Fire, Gone Baby Gone, or Silence of the Lambs. After you move into your new studio apartment, put them atop your Netflix queue. You’ll learn a lot about modern technology in some and general police work in response to kidnapping in the others. It’s fascinating.
A choice Rick, a choice
Rick Patino is on the offensive. He’s like a power forward cleaning the glass and drop-stepping on some schmuck. Kinda like the LeBron, only, Rick Patino is a douche-bag!
“Everything that’s been printed, everything that’s been reported, everything that’s been breaking in the news on the day Ted Kennedy died is 100 percent a lie, a lie. All of this has been a lie, a total fabrication of the truth.”
Come on man, you’re not seriously bring a recently deceased American Senator into this conversation are you? Because that would be classless. Truly classless.
“Pitino said Wednesday a sex scandal involving a woman accused of trying to extort millions from him has been “pure hell” for his family, fuming that newly released video of her police interview revived her “total fabrication.”
Pure hell huh? Which part Rick, the part where the reporters in the room ask you questions about you instead of Ted Kennedy, like their job descriptions require them to? Or the part where your wife has to hear over and over again about how you dicked some ho out in a bathroom at a restaurant. Where was she then Rick, your wife I’m talking about, was she still sitting at your table while you fucked somebody else?
“Enough’s enough, everybody is tired of it,” Pitino said. “We need to get on with the important things in life like the economy and really some crucial things in life like basketball.”
Nah Rick, enough isn’t enough, you idiot. You don’t get to pawn this off on the economy, or Ted Kennedy, or 9/11. You don’t have the right to scream at reporters for doing their fucking jobs man. Remember Rick, these guys are “sports reporters,” they don’t work for the damn Wall Street Journal.
When I need some input on stocks, I don’t read Jim Bob at the UL newspaper’s article, I call my stock broker. And when I want to know all about that time you fucked another woman in a bathroom and then cried like a little bitch about it, blaming it on the rest of the world, you bet I read Jim Bob’s article. I read the shit out of that.
