is THIS. A Tiger escapes a magic act and roams The Strip in Las Vegas. RIDICULOUS!
From the monthly archives:
July 2009
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Relax!
In the latest edition of Calm Down, we get this guy:
A game of Monopoly has landed a Michigan man in jail. WDIV-TV reported a 54-year-old man was playing the board game Saturday night with a female friend when he tried to buy Park Place and Boardwalk from her. When she refused, Fraser police Lt. Dan Kolke told WWJ-AM he hit her in the head, breaking her glasses.
Ho-lee Shit Bro. While that is a bit excessive, I do like your competitive and tactical spirit. If you control Park Place and Boardwalk, you pretty much control the game. I too never play a game just to “have fun”. I “took control of a game” once when I sawed a kid’s leg off for beating me at hop scotch in 2nd grade. Needless to say, he had trouble hitting that double-single-double-double-single combo again! Haha. Who’s laughing now?! I also continuously smoked him at double dutch from that point on, but now I’m just babbling.
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Can't stop. Won't stop.
Men have always been looking for ways to get a sneak peek at a female’s body: Peeping Tom’s, mirrors on our shoes (What, am I the only one that still does that?), and carrying drills and mini S.W.A.T cameras into hotel rooms next to people named, Erin Andrews. If you told a guy he could either look at the naked photo of a girl you had in one hand, or Marcellus Wallace’s open case in your other hand, I don’t know what he would choose. We like the female body. But this might take the cake.
The saucy thong swimsuit looks like a real bikini but DISAPPEARS after just a few seconds in water.
Forgive me guys, but what the fuck is wrong with us?
Sellers in Germany bill the dissolving Get Naked costume as a chance for men to get their own back after a break-up.
That’s the sell? What girl wouldn’t accept a bathing suit made out of cotton candy & salt, in a box that says “Get Naked Bikini” from their psychotic ex-boyfriend? Seems like a slam dunk business model to me!
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Oh you, such a goofball!
I have been thinking for a long time now; “Sure, I like Hitler as much as the next guy, but how do I really learn to nurture my inner racist?” Well, if you have been anticipating an all Aryan Nazi training center as much as I have, GREAT NEWS. . .
Germany’s far-right National Democratic Party (NPD) has triggered outrage with plans for a Third Reich-style “training centre” in a small village. The mastermind of the scheme is Jürgen Rieger, a lawyer and deputy leader of the anti-immigrant, anti-EU party that is steeped in pride for Adolf Hitler and the “achievements” of the Nazi regime.
I wonder what “achievements” they will focus on the most? Probably the revolutionary Autobahn. Look out structural engineers, this could be the training you were looking for! Maybe they will really get into the mind of an artist, as Hitler loved to paint. This could be the beginning of a learned artistic revolution!
I have a copy of the application here. I’m a bit confused, I think I found a trick question. They are asking my opinion on the Holocaust, now what it is it they want to hear? Hmmmm, that it didn’t happen at all, or that it was a good start? Let’s see, history books in the South call the Civil War the “War of Northern Aggression,” so I’m gonna go with “it just didn’t happen”.
(I hope they make s’mores at camp, yippee!)
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You can call me Officer White Bread
Yesterday we took a brief yet critical look at the absurdity that was: what beer should President Obama, Officer Jim Crowley, and Professor Gates drink while at the white house? Obviously this commentary was ridiculously funny and we’re all glad you enjoyed it.
But this story isn’t going away, in fact, it’s getting EVEN BETTER.
Apparently, one of Mr. Crowley’s “men,” an Officer Justin Barrett, sent out a mass email to basically all of his racist friends which said that if he had, “been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance.”
Wow. WOW dude!
“Barrett used the “jungle monkey” phrase four times, three times referring to Gates and once referring to Abraham’s writing as “jungle monkey gibberish.”
This is great, “banana eating jungle monkey.” I don’t even know what that means, but regardless you’re NOT racist right Justin? You probably have a few “black friends.” You watch BET and know a few of Chris Rock’s jokes…there’s no way you’re racist, you LOVE black people right?
This is like the time I beat the shit out of that woman that wouldn’t cook me dinner and then wouldn’t shine my shoes and then refused to let me call her “maid.” I told her “absolutely not” when she asked if she could vote and I also let her know she didn’t stand a chance at ever making as much money as me or being as respected by the fucking world as I am. OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT SEXIST. Right Justin?
So here’s the deal dude. You get to decide which you are Justin, considering you clearly understand exactly what you’re saying, and more importantly, writing in a mass-fucking-email. Take your pick:
a) THE DUMBEST MOTHERFUCKER in Boston
b) Racist
What’s it gonna be? WTF!
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This must have been rock bottom
Is Paris Hilton running against Sarah Palin for the Presidency in 2012? Because for the life of me, I can’t figure out what reason anyone would care what she has to say about the remorse she feels regarding her sex tape? Oh wait, I forgot about the, “Hey, Look at me!” factor.
“When you trust someone and love someone – for them to do that to you, it’s really hard. It’s something that bothers me every day.”
Awwww. Is someone a wittle upset wiff the way things turned out in their life?? I mean gosh, Paris. I can see how that tape really made things tough for you. There you are, a child of no creed, family or heritage. A social orphan, if you will. Walking around in a multimillion dollar home on a weekday with nothing but the shirt on your back and a diamond studded necklace paid for by someone else’s blood sweat and tears.
And this sex tape came out and completely buried your long career in doing absolutely nothing at all and spirals you into being paid to show up at paries and drink your face off. Things got so low that you had your own perfume, were on the cover of magazines and in TV shows and you had to pretend that you loved the attention! Sheesh! Fuckin a, girl. You must relive the horrors of that sex tape everyday! I guess you learned your lesson!
“It wasn’t my fault, it was something that someone did to me, so I’ve just learned to be a strong woman and nothing can hurt me at this point.”
It’s nice to see that such a negative moment has turned you into such a wonderful, hard working person.
God Bless America!
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Hi
You know what the most fucked up part about this whole thing is? This smoke show gets videotaped naked by some creep, plastered all over the internet, and then blogs have the audacity to get a hold of her 911 call and subsequently post it on their web page for all people to hear.
And just to increase their traffic hits. Shameless blogosphere…shameless. A bunch of dudes sitting around in their boxer shorts (well, these are boxer briefs, for the record) with nothing better to do.
Tim Tebow, please don’t beat me up.
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Let's talk about this...
There’s a lot of important shit going on in the world right now. The US Economy is stepping back from the edge of a cliff, the Middle East is in shambles, Michael Vick is out of jail and just bought a few new pit bulls. But what we really should be talking about is this:
“The upcoming White House meeting with Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and the Cambridge police officer who arrested him earlier this month appears to have touched off a fresh debate all on its own: what kind of beer should be served?”
Yeah, what beer should these two schmucks drink with POB (this is my new nickname for President Obama. Makes sense and sounds fucking awesome.)
After it was announced that POB would throw a few BL’s back, the police officer a Blue Moon, and the Professor of Needing to Chill the Fuck Out some Red Stripes, Massachusetts was up in arms.
Oh good. And I give a shit why….
“But one Massachusetts congressman thinks another beer entirely should be served: Boston’s own Sam Adams. In a letter to Obama dated Wednesday, Massachusetts Rep. Richard Neal strongly urges the president not to drink Budweiser, now owned by a Belgian company. Nor should the White House consider serving Miller or Coors, Neal writes, both owned by a United Kingdom conglomerate.”
Hey Dick, here’s a letter from me to you:
Dear Rep. Dick Neal:
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!
Respectfully,
Big Lou Al Timber
We all know Sam Adams basically tastes like piss, and I’d rather have a Blue Moon or Bud Light anyday. As for Red Stripe? Well I’d shit on that decision but then I might have a raging Professor threatening me and calling me racist. And who needs that? WTF!
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Looks like a pink butt-plug
I absolutely love “news” like this. A lead story on ONE man’s account of the new Cash for Clunkers program and how it affected him! Hip hip horray! Now THAT’S some news mothafuckers!
“Andrew Sable wasn’t in the market for new wheels, but he says the federal “cash for clunkers” program helped him get an offer he couldn’t refuse.”
Got it, reading on…interested….
“…aware of the program that started this month, Sable took a $4,500 federal credit this week to trade in the Jeep and buy a new, more fuel-efficient Chrysler PT Cruiser.”
I’m sorry, *cough*, you bought a what? You’re actually telling the world that you traded in your Jeep Cherokee for a brand new Chrysler PT Cruiser? Andrew, you just became the gayest man I’ve ever read about!
Elton John driving around with the top down in his Mazda Miata is less gay then your new PT Cruiser. In fact, you and your poor family should probably pack up and leave up-state New York, make a bee-line for Provincetown, Massachusetts sir.
Somebody explain to me how these cars/station wagons/wanna-be-SUV’s ever made it past quality control? I mean, these things are hideous. They look like they belong in World of Warcraft in the “I’m an elf and still live in my parents’ tree-fort” level.
So of course you’re sitting there reading this thinking, “that’s ridiculous,” “this couldn’t get any gayer,” when BAM, I hit you with this:
“Caroline Radtke, a 31-year-old who wrote about her purchase on iReport.com…Radtke and her husband this month got a $4,500 CARS credit for trading in their 2000 Isuzu Trooper (15 mpg) to buy a new Volkswagen Jetta“
A Jetta. A fucking Jetta!!! Thank god for the follow up ireport! WTF!
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