From the monthly archives:

June 2009

Jay-Z: More Powerful Than He-Man?

by Uncle Awesome on June 30, 2009

I will end you like Mortal Kombat

After Michael Jackson died BET realized they were sitting on a gold mine since their awards show was scheduled for two days later. To be clear, by gold mine I mean that the only way white people would have been more interested is if they were giving away free mayonnaise to every viewer.

The stage was set for tribute after tribute; and then news broke that Chris Brown was making his “triumphant” return to the stage with a ten minute tribute of his own. First of all, I’m not sure you can literally beat the shit out of America’s sweetheart and expect a standing ovation for it, even on BET, even if it was going to be acapella ella ella. Second of all, you definitely can’t do it a week after you plead guilty for the beating. Shit, even O.J. waited a month before he claimed to be “searching for the real killers.” No one at BET seemed to share these thoughts, and then the most powerful man on the planet stepped in.

The Source claims that Jay-Z threatened to cancel his performance at last night’s BET Awards if Chris Brown was allowed to perform his scheduled tribute to Michael Jackson. Though Brown had rehearsed for the show three days in advance, Jay-Z used his considerable influence to shut him down.

If Jay-Z shuts you down, that’s it, it’s a wrap. This is like waking up next to the horse head. You know it’s over. What do you think Chris Brown did that night instead? My guess would be applying to the University of Phoenix because his career is more fucked than Kelly Clarkson’s size 4 pants.

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The Most Ridiculous Thing….

by Big Lou Al Timber on June 29, 2009

stop crying you pussy

is the level of hypocrisy here:

LARRY CRAIG, JOHN ENSIGN, MARK FOLEY, MARK SANFORD, DAVID VITTER…..

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Good Observation

by Big Lou Al Timber on June 29, 2009

1 of 2 good things about tennis

Basically, Women’s Tennis should NEVER be talked about unless the names Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova, and the word “naked” are associated directly with what you are talking about. Unfortunately I don’t make the rules.

“Tennis great Chris Evert has joined the chorus of complaints about the noise level in women’s tennis, saying the “grunting” was getting out of hand.”

In related news, two days ago while sitting at a blackjack table in Las Vegas I ordered a double white russian and it came with a giant black hair in it. Drank it anyways..winner?

Shut up Chris, nobody gives a shit about your thoughts on the state of women’s tennis. In fact, you’re pretty much only still famous because Jim Rome used you to bust Jim Everett’s balls so bad he threw a desk and tried to strangle him. HERE.

Conversely, I think grunting should be encouraged and they should change the name to “Orgennis.” You get extra points if your grunt gives me a boner. Oh, and you have to play in a bikini, and you get disqualified if you have small tits. But again, I don’t make the rules…

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Name That Hot Chick

by Uncle Awesome on June 28, 2009

Where's The Max?

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It’s Official, America Is Fucked

by Uncle Awesome on June 28, 2009

College is for Queers anyways!

The New York Post reported today that going to college is now a shittier deal than those stripper car washes that never let you see the girls until you pay. Then you’re stuck there, on a filthy couch while girls that couldn’t even qualify for the day shift at the Des Moines Hooters are washing your car.

The Post says; The four-year college degree has come to cost too much and prove too little. It’s now a bad deal for the average student, family, employer, professor and taxpayer.

Great, our economy is shot, jobs are more scarce than finding anyone saying a bad word about the King of Pop and now we find out that it’s a smarter idea to just smoke weed, play Tiger Woods, and find some bullshit job at Kinko’s

A student who secures a degree is increasingly unlikely to make up its cost, despite higher pay, and the employer who requires a degree puts faith in a system whose standards are slipping.

Did you hear that Obama? Do you know what that noise was??? That was hope, dying a slow, ignorant death at the hands of overpriced education. Even Mexico is laughing at us for this.

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A Little Something

by Uncle Awesome on June 27, 2009

Team America, Fuck Yeah!

Here at Browtf we generally don’t just put ads up. I mean, why would we? I suppose we would to get paid sure, but we’re not just givin it away. Just what kind of business do you think we are running here. Buuuuut, this ad, like the Burger King one a few inches down are different. So do yourself a favor, enjoy this picture that has nothing to do with anything, then click this link, then keep on clickin!

http://awardshome.com/cannes2009/pringles/can-hands.html

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Thank You Thailand

by Uncle Awesome on June 26, 2009

Pandaphants!!

It is a desperate cry – or rather a very loud trumpet – for attention. These elephants were painted black and white to look like the pandas who have stolen all their fans.

The elephant is Thailand’s national symbol, but the country has gone panda-crazy since the birth of a female panda cub to pandas Lin Hui and Xuang Xuang at Chiang Mai zoo in Bangkok.

I know I am supposed to write how fucked up this is as a news story and how absurd our society is that we are worried about the psyche of an animal for losing the attention of grubby little 12 year olds on field trips. Come on though, look at those things, when I look at those elephants I’m pretty sure I feel like my girlfriend wants me to feel when I see a baby (instead, when I see baby, I feel like superman when he sees kryptonite). Do yourself a favor, go to the website and look at the other photos too; now if you’ll excuse me I have to go pee sitting down like the little bitch these pictures have turned me into.

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Well Played BK…Well Played

by Commodore on June 24, 2009

Yummy!

It’ll blow your mind away? Is it safe to say with at least 88% assurity that whoever came up with this design and emailed it out to the team signed off with, “hehe”? But I don’t know why people are up in arms. Burger King isn’t really lying. That sub is 7 inches long. 7 inches! Have you ever tried to jam 7 inches of anything into your mouth? It really presses up on the back of your espophagus and feels like it is going to blow your mind right out of the back of your head! I think that is where they got the analogy. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

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Name That Hot Chick

by Big Lou Al Timber on June 23, 2009

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6 Inch Stilettos? Hired!

by Commodore on June 23, 2009

Take note: A con in process

It seems that is the only qualifications to be hired as a stripper at the Cheetah Club in Corpus Christi, Texas. Nevermind that fact that you might be a 14 year old girl!

“She came (into the club) with 6-inch stiletto heels and a miniskirt and looked just like a model from a Miss America’s contest,” said attorney Alan Jaffe.

Miss America Contest? At least be honest and call out the right pageant: Miss Teen USA. And that’s the attorney talking, mind you. Always good when your lawyer uses the “but I thought” argument. In order to try and not make a big deal out the situation, the strip club will look to brush it under the r- wait…what?

A Texas strip club that hired a seventh-grader as an exotic dancer is now suing the teenager, saying she conned them into employing her.

Donnie Brasco? Conned people. Leo in The Departed? Conned people. But just because we see naked boobies and then do something out of our brain’s control, doesn’t mean we can call it “being conned”, gentlemen. And anyways:

It turns out the girl had been kidnapped, police say, and forced to work at the club. Leslie Campbell, 48, is accused of snatching the girl from her San Antonio home and taking her to Corpus Christi, where he allegedly sexually assaulted her for a week.

Of course, that’s also another way to define “being conned”. WTF.