From the monthly archives:

May 2009

Boo! Whoops…I Killed You

by Commodore on May 30, 2009

Mr. Solis, that is NOT the definition of a warning shot

Back in the “news” is our favorite state. That one whose inhabitants reminds us most of prisoners on the island in the movie, No Escape. Where else but Texas would you read something like this?

A man on trial for murder testified Thursday he only meant to scare his victim into returning his phone, but instead shot and killed the man.

Hmm. That is quite a large gap between intent and reality. That’s like trying to touch a girl’s boob while kissing her, and ending up with your penis in her ass.

“About that time, I got angry, I lost control,” Solis said. “I mean I lost, I was… I was frustrated.”

I would say that is a petite understatement. Frustration is expected when someone punches you in the face twice and steals your cell phone (I mean Anthony Ramos DID bitch you) but alas, ’tis just a cell phone. Taking the Scarface-ian line of reacting to frustration is another thing.

Solis admitting to firing shots at the car, but said he only intended to scare Ramos into returning his phone.

Mr. Solis, warning shots go across the bow, not into it.

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The Most Ridiculous Thing…

by Big Lou Al Timber on May 29, 2009

….is that I have no idea who this is.

huh?

Pop Quiz:

A) Lionel Richie in 1972

B) Dwight Gooden

C) Shawn Carter

D) Chris Brown incognito

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Name That Hot Chick

by Big Lou Al Timber on May 29, 2009

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Read The Key Word Dickheads!

by Big Lou Al Timber on May 29, 2009

Is this real?

Front Page of CNN.com RIGHT NOW: Why Our Science Fiction Future Fizzled.

Hmmm, let me take a stab at this one. Is it because we stopped growing smarter? Or maybe because we got too consumed with “green things.” Actually no, even better, it’s because we decided to go to a bunch of shitty wars and now our economy is in the tank. That MUST be it.

Nope. It’s FICTION. It says SCIENCE FICTION. IT’S NOT. FUCKING. REAL!

FICTION = FAKE = NOT TRUE = MEGAN FOX IS BLOWING ME RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS AND HER PINKY IS MASSAGING MY ANUS!

Are you guys serious? How can you even ask “what happened?” This is like asking, and making the front page on CNN.com, “How come Moby Dick doesn’t come up and eat all the pirate boats zipping around off the coast of Kenya?”

Nothing happened! It was never real to begin with!! Fiction. WTF.

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“People With AIDS” Plaza

by Commodore on May 29, 2009

Not Out Of Place

That’s right. In case you can’t read it, that sign says, “People With AIDS Plaza”. And you thought “Butt Hole Road“ was a bit much. It’s not as if that sign is on some abandoned rebar from a burnt down house on the corner of two slum alleys in Cape Town, South Africa. In fact, you can clearly see that other people and city institutions have put up signs around the “People With AIDS Plaza” notification.

My friend took the picture of this sign which happens to be next to City Hall Park in New York City, New York, The United States of America. WTF.

“People With AIDS Plaza” would be the easiest place to meet someone if you didn’t have AIDS.

Yeah meet me on the corner of Broadway and People With AIDS Plaza. I’ll be the guy in the white shirt not coughing up blood all over myself.

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Evil Has A Name

by Uncle Awesome on May 28, 2009

And Eeeeeeeeevil!!!

Let’s say you could put Cobra Commander, Skeletor and Megatron in a room with Osama Bin Laden. Let’s say they were trying to come up with a name for their new evil lair. Would it go like this?

Skeletor: We need something eeeeeevil (to be said like a talking skeleton).

Megatron: What about Mega-Cybertron?

Bin Laden: That’s douchey. I would want to blow that up. . . . get it? Get it??? That’s what I dooooo.. . high five. . . anyone? No one? . . .Ok.

Cobra Commander: I’ve got it. We should call it Cleveland! No, I’m kidding, but seriously, Cleveland sucks. Other than that, I’ve got nothing.

Bid Laden: OK, hear me out. I think I have something that sounds truly terrifying. It combines everyone’s fear of Islam and the catchiness of a super villain’s den. You guys ready???? You guys are gonna freak. Megatron’s gonna oil in his pants. . . . . . ISLAMABAD!!

Group: YEEEEEEEEESSSS

Cobra Commander: That is the most evil sounding place I have ever heard, and my name literally means that I command deadly snakes. I’ll tell you where those snakes would be scared to go: Islamabad.

Skeletor: When He-Man hears this, he’s gonna cry like a He-Bitch!

Bin Laden: That doesn’t even make sense, this is why I train mindless kids. Honestly, when was the last time any of your henchmen even died? Islamabad it is, tell your minions. Viva La Evil.

Group: ISLAMABAD. . . . YEAAAAAAH

fin

Note to Pakistan: Your capital city’s name sounds like the most evil place on earth. It’s terrifying.

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$100. For an F’n Yoga Mat?!

by Commodore on May 28, 2009

My Play about Yoga Mats

Could there be anything more outrageous?

I have a hard time rationalizing spending $100 on anything less than a car. $100 is a lot of money. I don’t know if I would spend $100 in exchange for $200.

“Manduka is the Porsche, the Ferrari of yoga mats,” says Phil Swain, CEO of YogaWorks.

Phil, you live a pampered life, don’t you? You SOB. The Ferrari of yoga mats? Come on. We can’t just call the most expensive thing in any category, “The Ferrari of…” and have it be a good sales pitch. If someone told you we were getting, “the Ferrari of strippers for a Bachelor Party”, your reaction should be, “Why? They’re just strippers. Let’s save our money for the Ferrari of hookers.” The yoga mat is the stripper in this analogy if you haven’t figured that out. The hookers? Pretty much anything else on the face of the planet.

According to the yogis, the thick black Manduka mat makes a real difference. First off, you’re paying for superior traction. “When you sweat during yoga, it’s easy to slip and slide,” says Dayna Macy.

Does Yoga = Walking on a sheet of ice in a pair of sneakers, all of a sudden?

Also, the mat’s extra cushioning softens the stress on your joints. “If you practice vigorously, you’ll be moving up and down a lot, and you’ll use your knees,” says Macy.

Dayna, you would sell sunglasses to a blind person, wouldn’t you? Moving up and down a lot, aka: what a knee joint has allowed us to do since the dawn of mammalian limbs. It’s not as if yoga entails balancing on the splinters of a fractured femur.

WTF.

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I Had A Different Childhood

by Commodore on May 27, 2009

Children, being feral is not all fun and games

It’s not often that we stumble across a 5 year-old child that was raised by cats and dogs. And I’m also going out on a limb to hypothesize that it is rare for this same child to have been raised by cats and dogs…

despite sharing the three-room flat with her father, grandmother, grandfather and other relatives.

I’m sorry. You were breaking up. What was that?

I understand that you have to ignore your child when it whines too much but the 5 year “tune-out” tactic could be a bit on the lengthy side. Especially when your child:

refuses to eat with a spoon, insisting on lapping up her food straight from the plate and when carers leave the room, jumps at the door and barks.

Folks, that’s usually a good sign that it’s time to acknowledge the existence of your kid again. I guess Russia IS a bit tougher than we are. Evidently in Siberia, the rearing technique instilled by parents is, “Rear Yourself.”

And for some reason, people still think I’m crazy for suggesting that parents should have to fill out applications to reproduce. Ah, the 21st century. To hell in a hand basket we go.

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Red Flag

by Big Lou Al Timber on May 27, 2009

You sir, you are healthy.

You’d think TIME magazine would be better than this. You’d think Kathleen Kingsbury would have developed a sense of skepticism inherent in all formidable journalists. Apparently not.

“One study of about 6,850 former pro players conducted in 1994 by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), at the behest of the National Football League Players Association, found that while former players had a lower death rate overall compared with their peers in the general population, the heaviest players — offensive and defensive linemen — were 52% more likely to die of heart disease.”

Got it. So basically the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health says these fat fucks are going to die more frequently from heart disease than a man that doesn’t weigh 350 pounds and doesn’t eat buckets of KFC for dinner every night. Well done guys.

Oh but wait, this is where it really gets juicy. A new study was performed, this time by the NFL, also known as, National Football League. And this study says:

“when it comes to their hearts, NFL players may be as healthy as men of the same age in the general population.”

Kathleen, you don’t think it’s a fucking red flag that the NFL EMPLOYS THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!?! Oh, and THEY’RE NOT SCIENTISTS!!

That’s like the FDA saying, “smoking cigarettes kills.” And Phillip Morris responding with, “smoking doesn’t kill! Yippee!” Who are you going to believe Katherine? You should be SO much better than that. WTF!

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John Wayne Bobbitt Is Feelin Lucky. . .

by Uncle Awesome on May 27, 2009

Imagine This was a penis, only instead of proud and strong, it was a bloody stump!

Because this didn’t happen to him.

“A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them.”

Russians drink vodka, wrestle bears, and stroll through Siberia for fun. Point being, they are tough, really tough. Zeus from No Holds Barred would sooner go to a KKK rally in the deepest, darkest corner of Mississippi with his hands tied behind his back, than go to Russia. I’m pretty sure as I write this, there is a two year old Russian baby strangling another Russian baby to death for stealing his juice box. And what they call juice, we call “moonshine”.

Even for Russia though, blowing off a man’s dick with fire crackers is some serious shit. When we think of fire crackers we think of BBQ’s, the 4th of July, summer hijinx, and county fairs. Apparently when this Russian woman thinks of them, she thinks “colorful fire shooter of genital death”. I honestly never thought I would read about something that made John Wayne Bobbitt say, “Damn, did you see what happened to that guy’s dick? I am one lucky guy”.