by Big Lou Al Timber on April 30, 2009
See that? She's cleaning shit, which means I'm in love with her.
I’m still perplexed as to how this kind of shit winds up on the front page of CNN.com, but I think I’m getting beyond it at this point. I mean, every news source needs to have an article up every once in a while coming from “The Frisky.”
Seriously though Judy, this is terrible. Really fucking stupid as a matter of fact. Nobody, not one individual with more than 29 brain cells, will take your advice on what’s cute and what’s crazy in regards to dating, because you totally suck as a person.
Case in point, your entire analysis is either flawed or worthless. Animal Attraction – don’t care. Toy’s in the Attic – don’t care. Love Me – what? still don’t care. Background Research – don’t care.
But this section is just unacceptable:
The Nurturing Caregiver: When Niko brought Cathy back home to his somewhat sloppy bachelor pad after their pivotal third date, he was excited. She was cute, fun, and vivacious. He was definitely thinking girlfriend material when he left her a key the next morning as he headed off to work.
When he returned home that evening, his apartment had been scrubbed clean and all the furniture had been rearranged. In the fridge, there were carefully labeled Tupperware containers full of food for the next couple days. Gulp.
Stopping by with soup for your illin’ honey is one thing. Morphing into his mommy is quite another.
UM JUDY? I would marry that chick tomorrow. TOMORROW. That’s like her #2 responsibility behind cleaning my balls with her tongue and she sucked it up and did it all the FIRST TIME HE HAD HER OVER! Are you kidding me! Instant wife material, I suggest you go buy yourself a mop and brush and get to fucking work Judy.
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by Uncle Awesome on April 30, 2009
Come to North Carolina (buuuuut not if your gay)
When I think of a stereotypical Southern Republican I think of the parents from Leave It To Beaver, perfectly pleasant, well mannered, and would hang themselves if their daughter brought home a black boyfriend.
As it turns out I wildly underestimated how bigoted and racist they can be. North Carolina Republican Congresswoman Virginia Foxx called the Matthew Shepard murder a “hoax” today in Congress.
“Foxx, who called the case “a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing these (hate crime) bills”
If you don’t remember Matthew Sheppard, he was s gay student in Wyoming who was robbed, pistol whipped, tortured, tied to a fence in a remote, rural area, and left to die. Still tied to the fence, Sheppard was discovered eighteen hours later tied to a fence, mistaken for a scarecrow.
It was one of the most publicized and horrific murders of the last twenty years and Ms. Foxx called it a fucking hoax! Now I have heard of people that don’t think the holocaust was real, I always assumed it was an urban legend, like “friends with benefits”, but now thanks to Ms. Foxx, I believe. I wonder what her campaign flyers looked like:
Virginia Foxx, fighting hard for you (not if your black, a Jew, or a fag)
Virginia Foxx, Hates the Washington elite (especially the black, gay or Jewish ones)
Virginia Foxx; Wife, Mother, and above all, Aryan (seriously, fuck those faggots, I mean it)
WTF!
PS. Matthew Sheppard’s mother was in the audience at Congress when Foxx said her sons murder was a hoax.
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by Uncle Awesome on April 30, 2009
Kill us??? But we love you!
In a completely rational move, the Egyptian government decided to protect its citizens by doing this . . .
“The Egyptian government decreed on Wednesday that all 300,000 pigs in the country had to be slaughtered as a precaution against the spread swine flu; despite the fact that no cases of the H1N1 swine flu virus have been reported here and it is spread by people, not pigs.”
What???? So let me get this straight, the government is going to have every pig in the country killed, robbing thousands of what amounts to their life savings to avoid a disease that is not even spread by pigs??? Maybe Africa should kill every monkey to stop the AIDS epidemic too!
It’s the fucking flu, relax. 20,000 Americans a year die from the flu and Ahmed is supposed to kill his whole fucking flock?? I hope the 300,000 dead pig bodies start a black plague that kills only those stupid enough to give a shit about swine flu. WTF!
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by Commodore on April 30, 2009
He should have had this in the window
So what if Cleveland’s (kind of) police chief was caught masturbating in a car with another man in broad daylight, right before he was going to give that man a blowjob while the chief’s wife is battling cancer? It’s Cleveland! Their river caught on fire once, spontaneously. Nothing surprises me in Cleveland. You could tell me that polar bears were falling from the sky while being attacked by dodo birds above Cleveland and I’d just chuckle, shake my head and say, “…Cleveland” and then continue trying to give myself a Brazilian wax with my Gillette Fusion razor, while drunk.
Anyhow, so you’re the police chief…of a city, not the make believe police chief of an after hours Provincetown, RI group called, “We like sucking dick-ville”, why don’t you be a little more discreet than jerking off with some dude in your car in the middle of a public park? WTF?! I’m sure this is just the support your wife needs as she battles cancer.
Cleveland.
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by Uncle Awesome on April 29, 2009
Your vagina is less inviting that Magic Johnson's cold sores!
Kenyan woman decided to get back at their government this week by doing this.
“Thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country’s bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year.
Kenyan women everywhere, if I may be frank here, the above picture is real. That is a real Kenyan woman; some would say an “average” Kenyan woman. A week without having sex with her would be like a week without having to work as a fluffer on Big Gay Cocks. It’s just that the picture above rather terrifies me and makes my penis not only hide inside of itself, but I think to recover the little fella may need four Viagra’s and Meg Ryan’s orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally at Katz’s Deli (don’t you judge me, it’s not like I’m fucking a Kenyan).
WTF!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on April 29, 2009
STAGED!
…is the President of the United States having to “stage” photos for a stupid article on CNN.com. Lindsey Lohan and Heidi Montag can stage photos at the beach in tiny bikinis, Barack absolutely can NOT.
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by Commodore on April 29, 2009
Yup. It's like that.
What kind of a self respecting news agency reports on something like this? How do you even find this story? Are news correspondents just roaming the streets kicking rocks looking for any human action whatsoever? This story must have bumped, “Rain Water Enters Storm Drain, Whereabouts Of Liquid Now Unknown”.
“I know exactly what she is talking about. I think it happens when you put the reflective tint on the window,” said Jack Wright. “It’s intense heat. It’s like you take a magnifying glass to focus the sun.”
Hey idiots. It’s called: reflection. It’s not a magnifying glass at all. You’re just getting twice the amount of sun on your stupid heads. Mystery solved. Well at least she reported this nuisance right away…
Redden said that she first noticed the problem about five years ago, but it didn’t become a major issue until recently. “I came over here six months ago and just about fell out,” she said.
Just about fell out? Fell out of what? What does that even mean? What does any of this mean? What in the hell is going on?? I have a headache now. Feels like someone is shining a beam of light right at my face.
Why did I have to read this story? You’re probably thinking the same thing of me for showing you this story but there is no way that I was going to be the only one to read this IQ reducing story.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on April 28, 2009
by Big Lou Al Timber on April 28, 2009
It's a bird, it's a plane....holy FUCK!
This is great, I love this kind of shit. Louis Caldera should be recognized as a national hero after pulling this kind of stunt. Can you imagine the thought process?
Caldera: Well let’s see, it’s been about 8 years since 9/11, how about we shake thing up a bit in NY, give the people a little scare.
Official #2: Great idea Caldy, let’s start a big fire.
Caldera: No no official #2, something better, something more…reeeaaaaalllistic.
Official #2: Like “swine flu?
Caldera: No, let’s get an Osama Bin Laden impersonator, strap a jacket full of dynamite to him, and parade him around Times Square!
Official #2: Can’t do that, we have ’regulations’ against dynamite sir.
Caldera: Alright, then let’s fly a plane around New York really low and have some F 16’s and shit follow it!
Official #2: YES! AWESOME!
Calling this “felony stupidity” is an understatement. This is the kinda shit somebody should be hung for. Fuck firing Caldera, rape that man with a 2′4″. If I lived in New York I would start a picket line in front of this guys office complete with machine guns, tanks, flame throwers, etc. just waiting for this motherfucker to walk outside.
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by Commodore on April 28, 2009
We should show them respect
In today’s “Most Absurd Thing Said By Someone Affected By His Religious Beliefs“, we have this wonderful statement in regards to the Swine Flu Pandemic:
We should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu in deference to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork.
Ah what a nice, constructive solution to the spread of this disease! I din’t know it was as simple as a case of mistaken identity. I am sure this strain of influenza just needed to be called a Mexican and maybe it would just work itself to death, right? Haha. Get it? Work itself to death…like a Mexican that I put to work on my garden in the hot sun and pay him peanuts for it?? Haha… (cricket…cricket)
Anyway, what kind of religious fanatic says something like t- Hm? That was the Deputy Health Minister of Israel?! WTF?! Sir, just because you don’t like to eat pig, doesn’t mean that we should confuse the world into thinking that this flu virus from dirty pigs is connected with dirty Mexicans. They have had a tough enough hand dealt to them already. We don’t call Capitalism, “The Jews Just Getting Richer”, do we?
Have some class, please.
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