by Big Lou Al Timber on March 31, 2009
That's NOT News!
31 ways to save $7,500 on your ”tech” purchases in 2009. What? Dude, did you just pick out a few numbers and try your damnest to relate them? Because that’s just fucking ridiculous.
I’m going to make a list, I’ll call it 47 ways I would fuck you up using just my knees and one rubber band. Or maybe 72 tricks for fucking your sisters and aunts at next year’s family reunion.
This doesn’t qualify as news Rick. In fact it doesn’t qualify as anything! You can’t just write about something and turn it into a list all willy nilly like that, it just doesn’t work!
MSN fails again. They must hire directly out of the Alabama State School District.
81 articles I’ve written that make you all look like douchebags. Here’s another!
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 31, 2009
by Commodore on March 31, 2009
Too much bacon
This might be the dumbest made up word ever contemplated. We are so fat that ABC goddamn News has published a story about a “baconographer” on their site. In case you forgot, ABC News is an American based company that repeatedly reports stories about how bad Americans have it in this recession. So bad, in fact, that we have a fucking word for someone making a living by knowing multiple ways to perpare bacon.
In response, Sub-Saharan Africa has asked if anyone knows a waterographer or a foodographer to help them out with certain things.
Lisa Haas, your parents are NOT proud of you, no matter how many times they lie to your face. ABC News…sort your life out.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 30, 2009
Rogaine.
Really dude? I wish I’d started a website that posted a different picture every day of a day trader on the floor of Wall Street looking depressed. Hey shithead, get used to it. We’re not gonna climb back to 13 thousand anytime soon.
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by Commodore on March 30, 2009
Let's DO this!
Fellas, when was the last time someone paid YOU to jerk YOU off?! Fine, besides the time Bob Sagat was on a coke binge and you gave him a discount price.
Let’s go to Shanghai! Girls will jerk you off at the Shanghai Sperm Bank (SFW. Just don’t open it with your boss over your shoulder) for money and you don’t have to hold a gun to their head or anything! You get $30 “for your kindness”. Gosh, I told you that Asian culture was so much more advanced than ours. You jerk me off, you pay me, and you send me a thank you card??? Well grease me up and call me a Suzie!
Only catch, you can’t wack it 4 days before your visit (gonna be tough) but they’ll service you “a maximum of three times per visit”. 3 times per visit? Christ! I feel bad for the girl that has to tug on my penis for 10 straight hours. Sorry lady, I’m strong like bull after my first go.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 30, 2009
Hey, squirl cheeks, nobody cares about you.
This kinda shit makes me angry that I actually open up CNN.com every morning. I should just go back to reading the back-country times while my dog licks the peanut butter off my balls. Oprah’s magazine cover? Really? I don’t fucking care.
It’s bad enough that this attention-seeking, self righteous African gerbal actually has a magazine, let alone a nationally syndacated show. I absolutely don’t need to read about her on the front page ever. Unless of course she all of a sudden has a sex tape, then fill me the fuck in and put me on the list.
Go back to your palace you fat ho, and don’t bring Michelle down with you. See that belt she’s wearing? That’s actually in the double digits, so don’t go and influence her the wrong way. You hear me?
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by Commodore on March 29, 2009
by Commodore on March 29, 2009
Oh, I would...
Guys say it everyday. We say it over and over and over again to one another and it is agreed upon 100% of the time by all guys within ear shot. It is something so completely obvious that I don’t understand why it is that we still say it. It’s about as innovative as,
“I can’t live without water.”
“I just love breathing oxygen.” and
“I love pooping so much.”
The statement that I am looking to stricken from all man talk from now on is when a guy sees a hot chick and states:
“Oh, I’d bang the shit out of her!”
Who. fucking. wouldn’t? Come on guys. This is not revolutionary. We’re the beasts that would stick our penis into a wood chipper if it got us off. We are the bunch that have come up with the statement, “Big girls need love too.” We invented blow up dolls. We pay for sex. In fact, one of us paid for a night with Divine Brown while he was with Elizabeth Hurley in her prime.
Seeing a hot chick and proclaiming to your friends that if you were given the chance, you could engage in sexual activity with said girl, is not something that needs to be said anymore. It’s over obvious. If you want to get the point across to your friends that you are willing to do anything to spend some intimate time with a blazing hot chick, you need to start saying things like, “I would let her strap on a giant dildo and literally bang the shit out of me on National TV while I sang .”
Deal? Deal.
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by Commodore on March 29, 2009
What?
Lions are allowed to kill any human being they see because of this guy’s outfit, ponytail, and smirk.
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by Big Lou Al Timber on March 27, 2009
That's a fastball, not a knuckler.
I can’t tell if this is cool, ridiculous, sexy, or fucking scary. You tell me. Eri Yoshida throws a sidearm knuckleball and she made her professional baseball debut Friday, stricking out some poor motherfucker.
Would you hit that? Obviously I’m talking about the knuckler. I’d hit it. This bitch wouldn’t last a second in my over-grown athletes non-competitive softball league. She’d be blowing more dudes behind the scoreboard than she’d be striking out.
Her idol is Tim fucking Wakefield for crying out loud. Get a grip Japan, hit the dame ball. And if you can’t, at least make her pitch in a sports bra and G string.
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