You don’t know who this is, do you? Too bad for you.
From the monthly archives:
February 2009
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To be fair, look where it's located.
I’ll get right to it. She’s from Ohio. The state that always controls the presidential election. This woman’s vote is worth the same as yours. She was breast feeding while driving…What the fuck. Anyone ready for the 6th mass extinction in the planet’s history?
This woman makes the in vitro welfare mom look as responsible as Brad Pitt’s mom in The Curious Case.
This, unfortunately, is the curious case of an I-guarantee-you-she-voted-for-George-Bush-twice…until-I-found-out-she-wasn’t-white mom, with the brain of a cockatoo, the foresight of permanent rewind, and the hindsight of short term memory loss. Let’s dive in here:
Police say Genine Comptom could have injured her child and others because she was breast feeding and talking on the cell phone while driving the vehicle.
Police also say that shooting people in the face can injure them too.
Compton told News Center 7 Friday, “If my child’s hungry, I’m going to feed it.”
Ms. Compton takes the upper hand on the police for the most underachieving statement ever.
Police say it is against the law to drive with a child in your lap. They say there is not only the risk of a crash, but deployment of the airbag.
(blink blink) Thank you Captain Obvious. You’re one up on Ms. Compton now. Ms. Compton? Care to come back with an argument ceasing actual human thought as well?
Compton said she will take the advice of the officers into consideration, but she may breast feed her baby while driving in the future if she feels that is is necessary.
I quit.
No CommentsIn a stand off that must make every other species on the planet shake their heads in incomprehension; wondering in fact, how much more usless we coule be, UN peacekeapers and Cypriot farmers (they’re from Cyprus you idiot, and they’re also known as Greeks and Turks who hate the living shit out of each other) are at odds over an asparagus patch….Are you kidding me?
For this???
Guys, fight for Helen of Troy? Fight for equality. Fight for that spot on the B38 bus. Fight because your shit drunk, no chick wants to go home with you and some guy who is shorter than you just stepped on your shoe. Hell, fight for Broccoli. But let the asparagus be. Let it slide. It’s all good. It makes your piss stink like molding cottage cheese festering in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s armpits.
And fellas, it does the same to your semen. How do I know that? Well I read it once and I believe everything I read. I definitely didn’t get a little “post-asparagus-ingesting, post-masturbation” semen on my finger and taste a little bit of it. Definitley not. I’m serious. I didn’t do that. I read it.
Asparagus harvesting has never been for the faint-hearted with pickers crawling into dense thorn bushes to pick the delicate shoots from the undergrowth.
Faint hearted? How do you think those poor girls feel who have to swallow your asparagus tainted cum? Eeesh! Leave the asparagus alone! I’m with you on this one ladies!!
…From what I’ve read, of course.
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CNN is at it again, must be Friday afternoon with fucking NOTHING relevant to talk about! Either that or semi-retarded people being paid to fill fucking space.
Michelle Obama, though bless her heart, does NOT have toned arms. Michelle Obama has a glorious black woman’s ass that could wind up in wet dreams. And she’ll probably make a spectacular First Lady, HOWEVER, bitch does NOT have toned arms.
LOOK HERE MADISON ———————————->
What the fuck are you talking about?
Tell me, does that look anything like Mrs. Obama? With all due respect, that’s like saying Dick Cheney could probably hang with President O on the hoops court, wheel chair and all.
You must be fat Madison, that’s the only way you can justify such a fucking stupid article.
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JE...SuS....WALKS....
There’s a couple issues this article raises, some good, some absurd. But first and foremost, I can’t wait for the Pope’s response to 1.5 million year old footprints being found in Kenya.
Imagine when he heard the news…There’s Pope Benedict sitting behind his desk with some small page boy concealed.
Another boy runs in, guess what Pope?
Pope: What young boy, and call me Pope Benny or I’ll smack your ass with a ruler.
Boy: They found 1.5 million year old footprints in Kenya.
Pope: What boy? Don’t sin to me boy, it’s forbidden!
Boy: I swear Pope Benny!
Pope: Shit, now what do I say????
Pope: Come here boy.
So to update the score it’s science: 348,811,908 and creationism: 0
I can’t wait for Creationist camp to contact me and demand I take down this down, and I can’t wait to tell them “Fuck You.” But this does seem a little suspect, I mean let’s be real here, Kenyon’s can barely find food for fuck sake, how do we believe they actually found a groundbreaking scientific breakthrough by way of a footprint? Come on…..
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Today sucks. There’s fucking NOTHING cool going on in the news. Because of this, I’m making your day better with a picture. Thank me, fellate me.
Patent Pending! Designed by a Dentist! Typically these aren’t marketing lines that draw me in, but for some reason everything on this website (NSFW) is perfect. (And by “some reason” I clearly mean the chick with the “I’m gonna suck your cock like its never been sucked before” look on her face.)
How did we go hundreds of thousands of years without this device? Shit, chimps could have designed this before we had even evolved opposable thumbs. I mean, think about it, boxers and football players have been wearing mouth guards for a century. These are the types of people who get enough head to put 2 and 2 together in that oh-so-rare Eureka! moment that gives us devices like this.
Sorry, that sounded like complaining and there is no room for that in this post.
This post is all about giving thanks. Thank you, god, for giving me a fully functional penis. Thank you, Megan Fox, for returning to free agency at the perfect time. And thank you to the Dentist who put a vibrator in a mouth guard and made it a sex toy. If anyone ever has, you, my friend, have truly earned the right to 40 virgins in paradise.
[h/t to Gizmodo for the pic]
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The people that created this thing as well as the people doing the marketing for this thing, are completely out of their fucking minds. First of all, when is it ever a good idea to resemble the great brown bear of the Alps? That’s first of all. Secondly, if someone brought this camping or to a sleep over, they have to sleep outside the tent or outside, respectively. There’s no way in hell I’m waking up in the middle of the night, woozy eyed and shit myself thinking that there is a goddamn great brown bear of the Alps right next to me, no thank you.
On to the marketing savants that put this website together.
According to the designer, this cool design plays on several basic human emotions including the fear of getting eaten by a bear, being a bear as well as wearing a bear skin.
Happiness, sadness, nervous, excited. I think those are several basic human emotions. The fear of getting eaten by a bear, being a bear and wearing bear skin are most certainly NOT a “basic human emotion”. In fact the terms “being a bear” and “wearing bear skin” aren’t even emotions you fucking idiots. They are allegedly the sick sadistic wishes of one fucked up individual. Wearing bear skin? How many people in the history of human civilization have ever wanted to do that? 4? Maybe?
In fact, as everyone huddles around the campfire telling ghost stories or other scary stories of the madman of the woods, slip into your sleeping bag and just wander out of your tent to give your friends a good scare.
Yeah, and get burning embers thrown in your face because everyone thought a bear was about to kill them. And anyway, how in the sam hell are you going to sneak up on someone while IN the sleeping bag. Have you ever tried to walk in a sleeping bag? I think they call that a potato sack race.
Sigh.
Somethings should be said to your face.
We all live busy lives. We may have the time to get trashed and take home that dime we met just before the closing time lights came on, but most of us just don’t have the time to go see a doctor the next day about that rash that won’t go away. Fear not. Now you can screen yourself for STDs and have a “Doctor” text message you with the results.
Yes, there’s nothing that says competent medical practice like mailing a urine swab I just administered to myself to a clinic. But, hey, at least I don’t have to look anyone in the eye!
Sure, there are plenty of Bristol Palins out there who were taught that sex is dirty, but if you’re concerned enough about an STD that you feel the need to get tested, is it really that hard to go see a real fucking doctor?
Think about it, which is worse?
Option 1 – Having to tell a doctor that you want to be tested (and this doctor has undoubtably seen cases so much worse than you that you didnt even know they existed).
Option 2 - Waiting several days for a life-altering text to arrive like the Sword of Damacles is hanging over your head?
I’ll take option 1, please. I can’t even imagine how option 2 plays out. “Shit, I only get 1 bar at work, what if the doctor texts??” “WTF is Super AIDS?!?”
Don’t get me wrong, I love convenience, but, shit, people, get off your couch and tend to your life.
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Patel...WHAT?
With absolutely NO due respect, who the fuck is this guy? And when did he become the “new face of the republican party?” I don’t even know your name but somehow Anderson Cooper and friends informed us last night of his so-called emergence along Republican lines. What the fuck is going on here?
Only Al Pacino in the greatest Sales movie of all time can accurately describe this situation (and if you don’t know what movie I’m talking about you suck as a human being, and even more so as a man, so fuck you painfully)
“Patel? Ravadem Patel? Patel? Fuck you.”
Actually this dickhead’s name is Bobby Jindal and I think he’s a douche. In fact, rumor has it he rescinded his status as a Republican, went Independant, and now is Republican again. That makes him a “flip-flopper” and therefore makes me want to penetrate his anus with a cactus.
Remember when THIS ho was the “new face!?!” What happened to her!?! Yeah yeah yeah, I know she’s mildly retarded and I know she hates animals and abortion and I know she can’t raise normal children to save her life…but at LEAST she has a vagina. Sure it’s wide and probably unshaven, but it’s there, I can smell it.
I would trade fucking Patel for her any day.
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