November 2008

Last night at MSG, Lebron James was getting showered with every accolade and good cheer excpet seemingly free blowjobs (then again, I have no idea what happened after the shoot around) as the Big Apple was hoping to woo him to join the Knicks next wee…”Hmmm? Oh it’s not next week? People sure made it feel like it was going to be next week…Oh it’s not until the summer? Oh ok, that still seems a little prema…What’s that?…In the summer of 2010?!” Really? Is this subject any bit necessary right now? This is like the Iowa Caucus in terms of Election Day.

The media is like that creepy dude (ok, friends of mine) that kept saying, “Dude, as soon as Hayden Panettiere, turns 18 in 1.5 years, I can’t wait to try and bang her!” a few years back. RELAX everyone! We have 2 full basketball seasons before the guy enters free agency. Is there really nothing else happening in sports that we can’t talk about the here and now? Like how the Jets won a big football game and look pretty good?..”Wait, what? They’re talking about the Super Bowl matchup with the Giants? Already? But it’s not even Thanksgiving!”

The combination of these two stories is like a premature ejaculation while with a 16-year old Hayden Panettiere…”Yeah, that would not be good for a lot of reasons, you dirtbag…let alone it being illegal.”

New York Media, find something else to talk about please.

Powered by Bookmarkify™

In a blog dedicated to the absurdity of the “news” we’re blessed with on a daily basis, this is one of those rare moments in which we’ll shed light on a story that deserves more press. Myron Rolle’s Penis. Why AREN’T we talking about this!?!?!

Well, actually all of Myron Rolle, because this man is just better than you. Hell, he might even be better then me. Let’s count the ways:

1) He plays college football at Florida State, thus he’s an excellent athlete, more excellent then you.

2) He won a Rhodes Scholarship. He’s smarter than you.

3) Nice Guy.

4) Great family.

5) Strong.

6) Good Looking.

7) And obviously he has a huge penis, he’s black and weighs like 240.

Powered by Bookmarkify™

Apparently Oprah is so fed up with all the terrible economic news circulating lately she decided to take her anger out on an unsuspecting family. Instead of delivering millions of dollars in cheer this year, Oprah took a fat shit on the “Thriftiest Family” she could find. Look how pathetic these people are…!

“The Heinz family has $70,000 in savings.” Congratulations! Based on the flattering picture Oprah.com decided to include in the article, you both look to be nearing your 50’s. An entire $70,000 in savings at 50? With all due respect, are you kidding me? Let me ask you how you plan on retiring with a whopping $70,000 in the bank. Oh that’s right, you’ll continue living like cavemen in the Great Depression.

“With a prepaid cell phone used only for emergencies, the family’s monthly bill is just $5.” Please tell me you’re not looking for any kind of applause for this. What are you, Amish? That’s ridiculous. With that $40 you save every month on a cell phone bill, can you cover the hospital expenses you face everytime your children get beat up simply for sucking?

“Sue has found a way to snip $550 from their yearly budget by cutting the family’s hair herself.” What did you buy a Flowbee? Again, your poor children.

And the real irony behind this story is the fact that it comes to you from the aforementioned Oprah! Oprah poops $100 bills and wipes with $20s. Maybe she could offer to pay the damn cell phone bill and get the children a decent haircut. Greedy bitch! How on earth something like this becomes NATIONAL NEWS is beyond me.

Powered by Bookmarkify™

Well no shit. Let me be the first to express my amazement to the fact that an NFL Official, more accurately speaking the NFL’s Vice President of Officiating, declared that, get this, NFL games are not fixed. http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/78610.

Incredible!?! I can’t believe the NFL isn’t in bed with Las Vegas and every bookie across the country. I was totally under the impression that every time an official ducked under the “replay hood” he hopped on the phone with Johnny Legbreak, director of handicapping at your local Indian Casino.

Thank God the NFL came out and cleared that all up for us. Oh, why should we believe them you ask? It’s obvious isn’t it? If the NFL declares it’s own innocense then it has to be true. It’s no different than Mr. Jonathan Cochran, who was being paid by O.J. Simpson, declaring that Sir O.J. did NOT commit the crime. Never saw THAT coming!

Powered by Bookmarkify™

In noting CNN’s article: http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/22/palin.popularity.oprah.ap/index.html

I can’t help but wonder why the hell we are still talking about Sarah “the brain” Palin. Really? Everyone wants to interview her? Book deals? MOVIES?!? Have we lost our collective minds? Movies?!?! Why do we care about a close minded, baby producing machine who happens to be the governor of our Arctic state? Surely we really can’t still be interested in anything she has to say (frankly, as soon as you say that Creationism should be taught in schools alongside Evolution, you lose all credibility as a human being) unless you want to know what window of the helicopter she chooses to shoot out of when hunting moose.

We are a society obsessed with celebrity but this is absurd. She was John McCain’s running mate because she was a woman, she was hot and she shared the comically absurd views of the Evangelical base. She is the flavor of the month or she SHOULD have been the flavor of the month. The fact that we are keeping this flatliner on life support is infuriating.

Powered by Bookmarkify™

Ok, anyone that wants” to just cuddle” with an animal that has the word “bear” in its name is an idiot: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081122/ap_on_re_as/as_china_panda_bites_student So let me get this straight, a perfectly sane man, 20 years of age jumped a 6.5 foot fence at a zoo because he thought it was a good idea to hug a bear? Why does this guy get interviewed after getting bitten on his arms and legs?

Oh hey guys look! A woodchipper. I’m gonna go jump in it real quick because I like moving parts. It’s a fucking bear! A park employee was asked if the zoo would add signage to the park. That’s like having to put additional signs up at a firing range stating, “Please try to not catch munitions.”

Audra Ang, who wrote this article, makes the astonishingly trivial point of, “Pandas, which generally have a public image as cute, gentle creatures, are nonetheless wild animals that can be violent when provoked or startled.” We really need to be told this?!

I swear to God, we humans are de-evoving.

Powered by Bookmarkify™

Ok, new rule. We can’t call what’s happening off the coast of Somalia and the Straights of Malacca as ‘pirate activity’ anymore. They are armed robbers. Pirates not only robbed people at sea who also usually had guns, swards and means to protect themselves but they sacked cities, raped, pillaged and plundered those on land when they had to port. You really can’t compare a bunch of gun toting fools on a go-fast boat who commandeer a defenseless oil tanker with the maneuverability of a floating corpse, as pirates. The Vikings would be insulted. I was on a boat once that went around the world and late at night we would have “pirate watch”. It consisted of men standing on the back of the boat with flashlights and fire hoses. That’s not “pirate watch”, that’s trying not to get robbed. “Pirate watch” would be having guns, cannons and hidden rooms to hide the women and children.

Powered by Bookmarkify™