Virtual Heaven

Well, you couldn’t say that the news of the 3-D porn revolution surprises you, it’s just that you don’t know what repetetive excuse you’re going to give your friends for NOT going out with them 8 weekends in a row.

“Just imagine that you’ll be watching it as if you were sitting beside the bed. There will be many close-ups. It will look as if the actresses are only a few centimetres from the audience.”

Sweet! No more stalking or “peeping Tom” lawsuits to navigate through! The only thing is that seeing some dude’s hog in 3-D won’t allow you to use the “it’s the angle their filming at” defense when explaining to your girlfriend that his penis is not actually twice the size of yours. Sorry to break it to you fellas. If it was that much bigger in 2-D, it’s gonna look like an octopus arm in 3-D.

I’m sure some dudes out there are gonna say, “Oh man, I don’t want to see ANY dick in 3-D.” Relax, you homophobes. You need a little dick in there so you can fantasize about actually being in his place. Yes, the camera looking up from the underside of a doggystyle formation will make it feel like his nuts are hitting you in the back of the head but hey, without a struggle, there can be no progress, right?

But the producer says, “We’re having trouble finding a male lead who is willing to undress in front of the camera. It’s a lot more difficult to find an actor than an actress for this kind of film.”

Yeah I don’t think any Asian man wants his penis in 3-D…it’ll still look like it’s in 2-D. Most Asian dicks I’ve been around have been “rearry rearry small”.

But hey Mr. Producer, let me thumb through my Rolodex to help you out with this male actor search….yup, here we are…a one Mr. North and a one, Mr. Siffereddi. I believe they’ll be able to help.