USA Today CAN’T Be Serious!

In quite possibly the least news worthy internet article to date, USA Today thought we needed a write up on how to wash our hands…I wish I was joking. Nope, no story about eradicating malaria, or sub Saharan Africa’s struggle for clean drinking water. An article on how to wash your hands. Frankly, if you can’t wash your hands, you deserve to die. End of story. You fail at being human. And if you’re the person writing this article (Elizabeth Weise), I can’t believe you’ve made it this far. I understand you need a job to make a living and all, but snorting coke out of a dead hooker’s ass would be more dignifying than writing an article like this. FYI.

“Here’s the drill: Scrub vigorously with water and soap until lather appears, making sure to get between your fingers and fingernails.”

You might as well give me instructions on how to breathe while you’re at it.

“Use a nail brush if you have one. Briskly dry with a towel.”

Huh? Do I have AIDS on my hands? Was I eating an Ebola Sandwich? Was I fingering Lindsay Lohan? I don’t even know what a nail brush is but I’m pretty sure that 99.999% of people don’t carry on them when going to the bathroom.

“Take the opportunity to take a hand-washing break,” Smith says. “Any time you’re touching something that other people frequently touch, it’s a good time to wash your hands.”

Unless you work in solitary confinement, I’m pretty sure your boss would not want to pay you for washing your hands 8 hours a day because you work in the vicinity of people who touch the same things you do.

The rest of the article is so utterly insane, I’ll just let you put paper cuts on your own eyeballs as you read it.