Somebody Get This Kid A Right Hand

Let them have their own fun, Thomas.

Having sex with chicks = awesome. If chicks are not around…having sex with your right hand or an empty paper towel roll lined with KY = sufficient. At no point in this delicate “equalizing” game men have to play, should you ever need to have sex with a dog. Come on man! Learn the tricks of the trade! Just rub your penis on….any inanimate object! I know you’re only 18 and your dick is pulsating 24/7, but find a brick wall to rub against. Just don’t stick it in your dog!

Medical swabs taken from the defendant immediately after his arrest revealed a 100 per cent match with the DNA of both dogs. Mr Fletcher denies a charge of intercourse with an animal.

I mean, a 100% match is prrrrrrretty convincing there Thomas. And you were recorded doing it. I’m not a trained lawtician or anything, but I’m pretty sure you’re fucked like a stray dog in Chinatown. Or like one in your bedroom.