Drunk Baboons Are Terrorizing Towns

Yeah, drinking is fun isn't it?

That title is not a metaphor for intoxicated men looking for sex. There seriously are drunk baboons running rampant in South Africa.

Each day, dozens of Cape Baboons gather to strip the ancient vines – the sauvignon blanc grapes are a particular favourite – and head into town. Last week, a 12 year old boy was left traumatised after confronting a troop who had broken into his family home. Hearing noises from the kitchen, he went to investigate and found the beasts ransacking cupboards. When the child fled upstairs to find his babysitter, three males gave chase and surrounded him as he made a tearful phone call to his mother, while the animals pelted him with fruit.

Surrounded him and pelted him with fruit! The monkeys didn’t physically attack him, they just made him their bitch.

Chickens, geese, peacocks and even a Great Dane dog have been killed in recent weeks by the marauding baboons – the males have huge and terrifying canine teeth. Roof tiles, electric fences, orchards and vegetables gardens have been trashed. “Lunch parties in the garden are now just impossible,” a homeowner complained. “It is so unrelaxing. Rather than chatting over our meal, we are looking over our shoulders and bolting the food as quickly as we can before it is stolen. We can’t even leave a window open in summer. We are under siege.”

Holy crap! It’s like the real-life equivalent of the white bunny rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hollywood, someone please start writing this horror-comedy ASAP. Simon Pegg is available to act in it. This will be so much better than Black Sheep. (This Black Sheep)