And I Want To Outlaw Towns That Outlaw Eye-Rolling

Oh, you wanna DIE, punk?!

“WTF is Commodore talking about?”, you might be thinking. That’s a fair initial assessment of this article until you stop and think, “Well, unless of course there is a town out there that wants to outlaw eye rolling. I meeeeeean, th- that’s not possible, riiiight? …Right?” (cricket…cricket)

Members of the Elmhurst city council have asked the City Attorney to look into the creation of a “disturbance and disorderly conduct” violation and to see if eye-rolling could somehow be shoehorned into its definition.

Shoehorned (v) : to force into a limited or tight space.

Man, why don’t we use the word “shoehorned” more often? Like, I have to shoehorn my penis into any vagina I enounter…because it’s so BIG! Boom! Chest bumps. Chest bumps. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be shoehorning laws though. Laws should be the opposite shoehorned. Laws should need a Miller Lite vortex bottle. Shoehorning important legal decisions can lead to catastrophes. For instance take this well known discussion,

Himmler: So mein Fuhrer, we’re going to invade Russia, Poland, the Baltics, through the low lands, into Paris and then onto England?
Hitler: Yes, and see if we can shoehorn the Jews into my path of annhiliation.
Himmler: But mein Fuhrer, we will be spread so thin with all the invading and conquering, don’t you think we should jus-
Hitler: (A cold stare)
Himmler: Right, ok. We’ll try to eradicate all of the Jews as well.
Hitler: And the gypsies.

Am I comparing the Elmurst City Council to Hitler? No. Am I loosley comparing them? Yes. Am I comparing the eradiaction of millions of people to the outlawing of eye rolling? …Crap, I guess I did. Maybe I should have a grenade shoehorned into my ass.