See kids!

Spinach won't get you that!

You see what happens when you stop taking steroids? You get cysts in your hips. No one actually knows what a cyst is but you can be damn sure that you don’t want one! So stay on the juice! Keep putting up plates. Keep getting “swole up”. Keep mashing those baseballs. Keep doing whatever the hell you do to your body to keep me entertained and in my seat. Anyone who says that steroids is cheating is just too big of a pussy to take them or too unresourceful to get their hands on them.

You don’t want to be the kid running home to mommy because you weren’t man enough, do you? Gatorade was a competitive advantage when it came out. The University of Florida football team were eating people in the 4th quarter of games. Stretching was a competitive advantage when some physical trainer realized that men could touch past their toes. All of a sudden you had guys stealing way too many bases and wriggling out of would be tackles. Cheaters!

I guess the ancient Spartans (the guys that saved western civilization at the battle of Thermopylae) were cheaters too because they trained their soldiers from birth. That wasn’t fair to the Persians that got slaughtered. I guess practicing while someone else is sleeping is a competitive advantage too. After all, your opponent is resting. Stop cheating!

Stay on the juice, kids. You don’t want cysts. If you’re afraid of cheating, then lay around like a fat pile of shit until game day and then see what your “God Given” abilities get you then. But remember if you go that route, no Gatorade on the sidelines. That’s cheating. Babe Ruth didn’t have Gatorade. You can only drink water that you have filtered from a brook yourself and you can only eat the food that you caught with your bare hands.

There’s no such thing as a level playing field. Learn it now. Kids will be taller than you because their cheating parents were tall and decided to have kids KNOWING they would be tall. Kids will have more money than you and will go to more prestigious schools and laugh at you when you show up to games in a busted ass bus. Kids will be better looking than you and will bang more chicks than you. Take the juice. Level the field. Jack some homers. Get recruited. Get some ass.

Keep juicing kids. If nothing else, you sure as shit don’t want cysts, do you?