"A Rat Almost Jumped On Me"

How kind.

We’ve all embellished a story here and there for the “effect’ value but you always have to be careful on how far you push the envelope before people begin to call “bullshit” on all your stories. Really? You met a girl just after we left? And she looked just like Gabrielle Union, you say? Interesting. (I’m guessing she looked more like Gabourey Sidibe.) You know the types.

The above photo is an actual note left by the mailwoman who delivers mail to my friend’s apartment.

To Whom This May Concern. Awfully kind tone.

Can you please move your mailbox. Well, she just gets right down to it, doesn’t she? I wonder why she wants it moved?

Because a rat almost jumped on me yesterday. Whoa! Hold on a second. Pumas almost jump on people. I don’t think rats attack humans from strategic vantage points. Maybe if you mistook a wolverine for a rat, this might happen, but chances are, you spooked the shit out of a small rat and it ran away. Almost jumped on me is the part of your story where the prosecutor would disembowel your defense. When I read almost jumped on me I picture a rat leaping like a linebacker and taking a swipe at this mailwoman.

What else is amazing is the seemingly calm tone she wrote that in. Like it ain’t no thang. Ladee dee, ladee da, a rat almost jumped on me.

So I will not be going to the garbage can to deliver the mail. Again, how great is New York City that my buddy’s mailbox is basically a moveable bucket, and this bucket so happens to sit betwixt a slew of garbage cans?

I wonder what happens if they don’t move the mailbox. Will they come home to the mail strewn all over the front step? Will she really take a stand and NOT deliver the mail? Is that legal? I’m sure you’re all on pins and needles. I will keep you posted!