“Moved Napkins Around Inside His Pants”

Yes, this would be scarier

Men are gross. That much is known. We are gross, horny savages who think about sex for 2 seconds, every second. We do our best to control our urges but sometimes things happen and we need to “equalize” at the most inopportune times. I knew we had the capability of being low, but this guy brought a shovel to the Dead Sea basin.

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. Advani allegedly touched the woman’s “genitalia, groin and inner thigh” all while he moved ”napkins around inside of his pants,” court papers said.

Eesh. The only way this could be more disturbing is if he had a Luchadores mask on while he was doing it. This would be a hell of a commercial for Ambien. Film this scene with this as a voice over: Trouble sleeping? Can’t get comfortable sitting on a plane? Try Ambien.

Two passengers witnessed the alleged sexual assault and kicked the woman’s chair in an attempt to wake her up.

Oh, thanks for your dedication to justice, Jack Bauer and sidekick. Way to go the extra human decency mile and nudge her seat while she was getting fondled. I guess if the guy started rubbing his penis on her face you would have put your hand over your mouth, faked coughed and said, “Penis” under your breath.

Side note: Can you imagine if Jack Bauer DID witness this? I don’t know if manned flight would be possible with body parts hanging out of multiple windows of an airplane, but Jack would make sure we found out.

Side note #2: God Bless Jack Bauer.