Mustache Inc.

The last thing this guy deserves is money

Most days I write about articles that marginally affect my day for a few seconds and then it’s back to my yacht and having experimental sex with supermodels. Today is different. Today I found what might be the best Browtf topic of all-time and I’m staying in the master suite to let it sink in for a few hours. You be the judge.

It’s time that mustached Americans got in on the stimulus money. At least that’s the proposal being pushed by tax policy professor John Yeutter and the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute. The tongue-in-cheek group dubs itself “the world’s only facial hair advocacy and research organization.” On the eve of the deadline to file income tax returns, the professor and the AMI are pushing for a $250 annual tax incentive for people with mustaches. The funds would be used for mustache grooming supplies.

The AMI said the current system “provides a disincentive for the clean-shaven to enjoy the mustached American lifestyle.” The AMI said the stimulus money could be used not only for trimming instruments but for wax, combs and mirrors.

What could I possibly add to this? I could talk about the fact that people with hair don’t have tax incentives over people with buzz cuts, but that seems too easy. I could pose the question, “What does it mean to enjoy the mustached American lifestyle, other than molesting people?” But I don’t want to get it into it. I could relay a message from the bearded people which reads, “Dude, WTF”, but that wouldn’t be productive. I could talk about the fact that if anyone should be getting tax incentives to groom/wax, it is women who take care of their “adult parts down there” (because God bless those women), but it would be too logical.

So, I won’t say anything.