Lights Can/Might Kill You

Effing suicidal maniac!

The secondary reason for the existence of news organizations is to deliver the news in an unbiased manner. Its primary purpose these days is to rile up and scare the ever living shit out of people who can’t think for themselves. “Operation: Pandemonium” is full bore, here.

Simply turning on a light at night for a few seconds to go to the toilet can cause changes that might lead to cancer, scientists claim.

Yup. That’s the first sentence of the article. There’s subtle landings that you don’t even feel and there’s careening into a mountainside at 500 mph. The sentence seems to be quite assertive until you see the words, “can cause” and “might lead”. Can + might = chill the fuck out.

The tests were carried out on mice at Leicester University by geneticist Professor Charalambos Kyriacou. During the trial, a group of mice were exposed to a light for one hour. When compared with mice who had been kept in the dark, changes were found in cells in the brain responsible for the circadian clock which controls body function.

And how that can/might lead to cancer, no one knows! Who gives a shit though?! We are scaring the crap out of people and that’s what’s important. It used to be that the plague would kill you, or invading tribes, or missles, or bullets, or starvation, or crack-cocaine, or prolonged self-asphyxiation. And now it’s lights. You hear that Haiti? You think you live in tough times? We have lights that can/might kill us. How do you think we feel when we have to navigate marble floors to find a porcelain toilet in the dark? Brutal.

And hang on a minute…”During the trial, a group of mice were exposed to a light for one hour.” If you’re up for one hour at night sitting on the toilet, you got other probelms to worry about. Namely, what in God’s name are you doing taking an hour to drop a deuce at 3AM in the first place? Your diet is probably horrendous so you’ll be dying of heart failure long before cancer can/might kill you, so don’t sweat it.