Wasted Words

Hey Noah

News organizations only care about online views instead of online content. This is why they tag the words “vampire” and “president” in their latest groundbreaking story. However, with 2 seconds more of brain usage, Noah Pransky could have realized that this is not news that will affect anyone’s day whatsoever. But alas…

Not satisfied with living in Florida, Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey wants to move to Washington, D.C. to become the nation’s first vampire president.

Yup. Right then and there Noah should have stopped and thought, “What in the sam hell am I doing with my life? Now I underastand why my dad doesn’t respect me or what I’ve grown up to be.” But instead, he took the blue pill to see how deep the rabbit hole went.

Sharkey, 45, spent Friday on a Greyhound bus with his new fiancee, Audrianna Foster, a 19-year-old girl from Ohio he met online. She too believes she is a vampire, or vampyre.

No, please. Tell me more Noah! Let me just go grab some tea and a biscuit.

“The Impaler” claims he’s a direct descendent of Vlad II the Impaler, better known as Dracula. He has scheduled a Monday press conference in Tampa to announce his plans to file paperwork to run for President of the United States in 2012. He recently switched his party affiliation from Independent to Republican so he can run with the G.O.P.

Scary thing is, I could see Republicans justifying voting for the blood sucking Russian over he who they proclaim “Lenin’s Spawn”.

Sharkey bragged about having numerous teen-aged girlfriends in recent years. He’s accused of “brainwashing” a 16-year-old in Minnesota. The two were engaged until last month.

Noah, you should be ashamed of yourself. This guy has about as much of a chance of being the next president of the United States as a 3 year-old Ethiopian girl. Unless of course this child was named Hannah and moved to Montana. Then you’d have a story (and tags and keywords) on your hands!