Or Just Open Your Eyes

Since the dawn of man

At what point does a study become a brown paper bag of redundancy left burning on someone’s doorstep? I mean, if I told you, “Recent studies show that eating a live grenade could be harmful” or “Human fecal matter that sits out of water has a formidable scent”, you would (hopefully) roll your eyes and think, “Gee, who didn’t know that?” Well this study is kind of like that.

A study published Tuesday in the British Medical Journal found that the sex lives of men tend to significantly outlast those of women.

Yes. Men are horn balls that would hump a brick wall if it got them off. This is as redundant as seasons. We don’t get surprised every Spring when leaves start populating trees again, so why the hell is this surprising?

“Men have more interest in sex and seem to be happier with the quality of their sexual activity, and the gender gap only widened with age,” said lead researcher Stacy Tessler Lindau, an associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology. Men tend to have younger partners, said the study.

Hmmm? What was that? You were still talking? I’m sorry, I was a little light headed from all this Viagra-filled sex with beautiful Eastern European prostitutes I was having. Look people, the men who are old today grew up in an age where they were the main bread winners, so they have a ton of money. Women like money. Younger women LOVE money. And even an old man’s sexual buttons is an Atari controller compared to the Apollo 11 lunar landing control panel that a (very) older woman’s sex drive must be.

It’s the path of least resistance. It’s been studied and known for millenia. Can we move on? WTF!