Groundbreaking

Something tells me that these kids won't outlive a dog.

It’s as if the world is dropping “No Shit!” studies in my lap, begging me to comment. I’m almost waiting for a comprehensive 20-year study to be released stating, “Lava seems to be hot to touch.” Before scientists think up their next study, can they run it through the “obvious” test first because I’m pretty sure we knew that people who are obese at the age of 5 aren’t going to live very long.

Obesity in children may pave the way to an early grave, a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine finds. The study, published Wednesday, followed nearly 5,000 American Indian children from childhood to middle age and found that those who were obese as children were more than twice as likely to die from disease before the age of 55.

Who would have thought that lining your arteries with caulk before puberty would have an adverse effect on your long term health? I thought working out was good for your body! Apparently not so for red blood cells trying to squeeze through narrow openings. Weird.

This is the first large study to confirm that childhood obesity is a risk factor for long-term complications, though that is something experts have suspected for years.

Just the experts? I’m pretty sure lemurs had suspected it too.

Previously, research has only been able to show associations between early death and childhood obesity, said Dr. Nicholas Stettler, a pediatrician who specializes in nutrition and epidemiology at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. But this study is more powerful, he said, because it further confirms a direct relationship between childhood obesity and long-term health complications.

No, no. You should be confused at what you just read. Read it again to be even more confused. Early studies showed that childhood obesity was associated with early death but now we know that there is a direct relationship. Heart disease kills more of us than anything else. Most people are fat. Boom. Direct relationship.

This “associated” and “direct relationship” argument on this topic would be just as stupid as saying, “Until the invention of the microscope and the dawn of embryology, a man ejaculating inside a woman was only associated with pregnancy, it was not directly related.” WTF.