Poo-tiquette

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(Inspired by the reader: “Juice”)

That’s right. We’re creating a new word: Poo-tiquette; Pooing etiquette. I don’t care if you’re tired of bathroom humor. Some things need to be ironed out. And as a Walter I knew once used to say, “This is not ‘Nam. There are rules.”

I walked into the shitter today at 11:15 to, naturally, take a shit. 11:15 is not a high volume shit time, so I walked in thinking I was going to have the place to myself. Shitting at work isn’t same as the “throne dome” at home, but shitting alone at work ain’t bad. Hey, at least it ain’t a public bathroom at “South of the Border” off I-95.

So I was about to open a stall door when I heard a voice…actually, I heard words. That’s right. Words. And the words being spoken had nothing to do with taking a shit.

That’s because these words were coming from the mouth of someone talking on a FUCKING PHONE WHILST ON THE SHITTER.

Listen, taking a shit is one of the few times a man gets a little peace and fucking quiet in this world. Maybe he reads the paper, checks the internet, plays brick breaker, or maybe he is just there to see the wonderful things his body can produce. Regardless, unless Megan Fox is calling you to tell you she wants to have sex with you RIGHT THIS SECOND, you DO NOT talk on the fucking phone while in the shitter at work. I don’t care if your son was missing for 10 days and all of a sudden it was him calling. You will call him back.

I was so shocked that such an action could occur, I immediately texted 5 of my closest friends to tell them what was happening, and how bad I wanted to take a shit ON this man next to me. After texting in disgust, I closed the phone, started to wipe my ass, and then heard: “Ok, I will meet you at Staples.”

WTF. Meet you at Staples?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Megan Fox better be there lathered in printer toner, hanging from a swing made of telephone cords and office chairs with, “I am waiting for the guy on the shitter to come bang me.” written on the biggest Goddamn dry erase board in the store, for you to have to pick up your phone while pooping and say, “Ok, I will meet you at Staples.”