Dear Match.com

This would be under the body type: "Guy"

It has been brought to my attention that some of the females on your site are lying. When the choice comes up for body type and we see “About Average” we are expecting an average sized adult female human being, not an average sized competitive eater. What men think about when we see “About Average” is a girl who still looks pretty cute in a bikini. That’s a decent gauge. This “About” that you throw in there allow the girls to interpret that word far too liberally, and it’s not fair to guys who use match.com as a sex finding service. Christ, you give them enough places to stick their flabby-ass arms already, namely: A Few Extra Pounds, Heavyset, Stocky, Big and Beautiful, Curvy, Full-Figured. Do you need to steal “Average” from the reigns of bang-able by throwing the word “About” in front of it?! That leaves us “Slender” and “Athletic and Toned”. That’s it!

I thesauricized (yes, thesauricized) the word “about” and here’s what I got: near, nearby, around, hearabouts, not far off, close by, in the vicinity, in the neighborhood. You see the problem, right? When looking at a map of earth, Alpha Centauri is not in the vicinity of us here on earth but galactically it is. Speed is relative to the viewer and “About” is all relative to the typer.

But hang on a second. A Few Extra Pounds, Heavyset, Stocky, Big and Beautiful, Curvy, and Full-Figured? Speaking of a thesaurus! WTF is that match.com?! Aren’t those all synonyms of each other, with the (sometimes) exception of “Curvy”? I realize that your site is mostly used by people who can’t seem to meet people milling about in a coffee shop for half the day but let’s cut the fat off these categories, huh?

A woman, if given the chance, will put herself in the “About Average” category over the “A Few Extra Pounds” category, 100% of the time. I would bet my urethra on it. And I can’t disagree with the reasoning. Isn’t being in the vicinity of average about equal to having a few (which means 3) extra pounds on the bones? And since “Average” sounds better than “Extra Pounds”, who wouldn’t go with “Average”?

And “Stocky”? Jesus Christ. Are you trying to scare dudes off? Why don’t you just delete that choice altogether? Even a world-class weight lifter from Belgrade wouldn’t pick “Stocky”. The first thing a man thinks about when he hears the word “stocky” is another man…playing fullback. That’s usually not a good first impression of a woman.

If someone could logically explain to me the difference between Big and Beautiful, Full-Figured, and Heavyset, you have a set of Ginsu knives coming your way, free of charge. Here’s an idea. Get rid of “Full-Figured” entirely. That just means your “fat” but you haven’t come to terms with it yet. Everyone knows that and nobody wants to hang out with a denier. Next, change “Big and Beautiful” to “Big Boned”. That makes more sense. We get it. You’re freakishly tall, you don’t look like Marissa Miller, but we’d definitely have sex with you because we like to be manhandled, but not suffocated. “Heavyset”…well, some ladies (and men) can’t even hide their chins even if their match.com photo was taken from directly above their head.

And before you blame me for my rudeness, blame match.com. Match only has 3 categories that 98% of men are interested in. Slender, About Average, Athletic and Toned (Ok, and sometimes “Curvy”. I’m staying away from “Curvy” because I don’t want to deal with the argument of Vida Guerra vs. a chick whose rolls are curvy. If a girl looks like Vida Guerra, she just has to write her dimensions in her profile and her body type could be “Mamed” and dudes would still come running.)

And it is clear to me that too many of the “Few Extra Pounds” crew is seeping their way into the average crew, leaving some guys out there eating across the table from a girl with pendulums for triceps (Think about it). So match.com, here are the new categories and descriptions that BROWTF suggests. Trust us, you’ll have happier members:

Slender – Petite Chick. Ok…ok. We can dig petite.

Athletic and Toned – Self explanatory. We like.

Video Vixen – She can be overweight or underweight by whatever degree but if she was dancing in a Jay-Z video in 1999, we’d still definitely hit it.

Average – We’d have sex with her without having a beer, but we might not show her picture to our friends

At Least 12 Kilos Overweight – At least 5 beers

Big Boned – Depends. This is truly a wild card. Women larger than us but still having the body proportion of an average girl confuse us and turn us on at the same time

Heavy Set – Fat people need love to