What Are We Doing?

Don't believe the smile on this guy.

For so many reasons, this article might be the most amazing, confusing, hysterical thing you will ever read. I have no idea where to even begin. Let’s start at the beginning. (Hey, look at that, I guess I did know where to begin. Get it?!? … Ok, over your head. Never mind that! Just join me on this journey of insanity and inevitability.)

An ice-skating bear with a touring Russian circus has killed a circus manager and seriously injured a trainer in the Kyrgyz capital, Bishkek.

If I were investigating that sentence looking for a motive for the bear’s reaction, “ice-skating” might have something to do with it. Here’s a little piece of advice, Dmitry…don’t make a bear do anything it doesn’t want to do for longer than you absolutely must. Just a general rule. This includes donning him in ice skates.

Kyrgyz officials said the bear turned on the manager, 25-year-old Dmitry Potapov, during a rehearsal. The bear, who had skates on at the time, severely mauled another circus worker who tried to rescue the manager.

If ever there was a time when an animal being used for human entertainment had a “Fuck. This.” moment, this was it.

Kyrgyz police shot and killed the bear when they arrived on the scene. It is not clear what caused the attack.

Wait, I’m sorry. It’s not clear? Excuse me, Mr. Kyrgyz policeman…if you were 5 times the size of me and I were to attach tipped over bowling pins to the bottom of your feet and asked you to double dutch on a sheet of ice for my own enjoyment, would you not want to rip my face off?

Bears on ice are common in Russian circuses. Some are equipped with helmets and sticks and trained to play hockey.

Jesus Christ. Ok, now you guys were just flat out asking for it. You train grizzly bears to compete in a regulation ice hockey match, and you deal with the consequences of your decisions. And in the famous words of Chris Rock, “Now I’m not saying he should have killed him, but I understand.”

BTW, “Kyrgyz”? Is that even legal to put those letters together in that order or did someone not know where this happened and just slammed their keys on the keyboard a few times and stuck with what came out?