That Is Some In Depth Reporting

Yes it does.

You would think that if a news agency had a pointless story whose content was too racy for print, that it would just discard the story or “soften” it up a little bit. Well, not in Australia. Australia, if you remember from your history, is full of inmate offspring.

A woman accused of performing a sexual act on a man when he crashed in Darwin’s rural area is outraged at the allegation and says it is “absolutely wrong”.

That is the first sentence of the story. Where else could that go, but here:

“I was not sucking his dick – and it’s pretty obvious that wasn’t the case … you only have to look at the mark on my chest,” she said. “Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it’s impossible that I’d be leaning over sucking his dick unless he is hung like a donkey or I’ve got a fucking rubber neck.”

Can’t you just see the journalist, Rebekah Cavanagh leaning in intently asking questions and writing answers down? ‘So that was hung like…a…donkey and…fucking rubber neck. Ok, got it. Thanks!’

“If it was true I’d just cop it sweet and think ‘how embarrassing, I got caught sucking someone’s dick – but it is not true and that’s what is pisses me off.”

See, she’s not mad that she almost died in a car accident and has what looks like a bruise from a crowbar on her neck…she’s mad that someone thinks she was sucking dick when she wasn’t sucking dick for that one particular moment out of the day. It’s not right for people to just assume!

“It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he’d already paid me. But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.”

WTF!?!? Her tits were flopping all over the place and a $5 just happened to wedge itself in between her breasts? No, why would ANYONE think you were doing something like sucking dick? To make Australia even better,

Ms White, 34, said she had been at the Howard Springs Tavern celebrating a friend’s birthday when they decided to go back to a friend’s place in Humpty Doo.

City’s name is Humpty Doo…Australia, keep fucking that chicken.