This Will Last

Riiiiight.

Celebrity weddings are usually so contrived that it’s hard to take them seriously. It’s always a sure bet that the marriages will last a few years before you read about the divorce on someone’s twitter post. But this relationship is different. This relationship has all the ingredients to stand the test of time. It’s pretty much a guarantee.

The reality star Khloe Kardashian plans to marry her NBA player beau Lamar Odom on Sunday in the Los Angeles.

Awwww, how adorable! Gosh, this has been such a long time coming. I can’t believe they’ve waited this long! They’ve really done it the old fashioned way.

The ceremony is being thrown together so quickly that guests are being notified by phone that formal invitations will arrive this week.

Oh…really? Jeez. Ummm, well there is no real explanation for love, right? They have every right to have the wedding as soon as they want. They were waiting for the right time, and it seems as if they have found it.

The couple have been dating for only about a month, but their whirlwind romance is going well.

Wait, what? A fucking month? Going well? What relationship doesn’t go well in the first month? You’re having sex with a new person that you’ve told enough lies to TO get them to sleep with you. It’s fantastic!

“They’re very, very happy,” older sister Kim told People this month. “Khloe thinks he’s amazing and makes her laugh and smile constantly.”

sigh. She’s infatuated with him. Infatuated. That’s what happens in the first month. What the fuck is wrong with people? There is a better chance of the world actually ending in 2012 than this relationship has of working out. If Khloe Kardashian is holding Lamar Odom’s hand on his death bed in 60 years, I will cut my penis off and stab myself in the eye with it.

And Lamar, are you drunk? Do you have a family member that’s being held hostage somewhere? Are you Lamar Odom’s surrogate making decisions for Lamar Odom? God help you man. Have fun losing half in 8 months.