Oh The Horrors

You'll want to shoot yourself in the face after reading this.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone in this country can get through life with such unmountable hurdles as “butt dialing“. That’s right. You’re about to read a story about people who haven’t figured out how to lock the keys on their cell phone. On the anniversary of 9/11, it’s always heart breaking and humbling to read about the trials and tribulations of the youth in the industrialized west. Have your bottle of drugs and a loaded hand gun ready, pointed at your skull.

On her way to work Tuesday morning, Lindsey Bacon looked down to see a voicemail from a number she didn’t recognize. Bacon, 23, was the victim of a butt dial – when pressure against your cell phone accidentally dials a random number from your contacts list or, in her case, a random number altogether. “When I heard the message I just thought to myself ‘Oh my God, what do I do now?’” Bacon, a recent graduate of East Carolina University, said. “I felt like an idiot.”

What do you do now? Gee, what a crossroads you’re at. It’s not as if you are hiding Jews underneath your floor board and the SS just knocked on your front door. You lock your fucking phone and move on with your useless life.

Normally a butt dial is just a barrage of random noise being left in a voicemail message or coming through the line on a call. Other times it ends up being a funny story to tell after the fact among family or friends.

If I were a pig and stumbled upon a genie in a lamp who granted me one wish and I chose to be able to read and understand 2 sentences in the English language and those two above in red were the ones put in front of my face, I would jump through a field of razor wire on my way to the nearest cliff. Those 2 sentences might be the most useless collection of words ever written by man.

Warning: This next bit might force you to pull the trigger of the gun nestled up against your head.

But as Duke graduate student Kathryn Ellis found out, a butt dial can strike at any moment no matter how prepared you think you are. “I was in a graduate school interview with my phone in my back pocket on silent and everything,” Ellis explains. “In the middle of the interview I hear this low moaning sound coming from my pocket.”

Ellis said that she had somehow managed to take her phone off silent, turn the speaker phone feature to on, and continuously speed dial the same number.

What? Does your ass have a giant hand coming out of it or something? Do you have a Knight Rider phone that activates itself when it feels body heat?

“Apparently my butt is better with my phone than I am, because to this day I don’t know how to turn my phone on speaker,” Ellis said.

Of course you don’t.

“It was really embarrassing though, but my interviewer didn’t miss a beat and kept on going with the interview.”

And if you got the job, I’m sure you’ve been a ray of intellect in the new office. sigh…

BANG!