The UN, Masturbation & 5-Year Olds

This masturbation stuff is mind blowing. I need a cig.

When you put those words together, you are bound to get some browtf-ness.

The United Nations is recommending that children as young as five receive mandatory sexual education that would teach even pre-kindergarteners about masturbation and topics like gender violence. Under the U.N.’s voluntary sex-ed regime, kids just 5-8 years old will be told that “touching and rubbing one’s genitals is called masturbation” and that private parts “can feel pleasurable when touched by oneself.”

Maybe if I knew that when I was 5, I could have avoided this conversation I had in the 7th grade.

8th Graders: Hey Commodore, are you a Master Baitor when you go fishing?
Me: Ummm, yeah. I’m pretty good.
8th Graders: So you’re a master baitor?
Me: I guess so.
8th Graders: Hahahahaha.
Me: (crying). Wait no. NO I’M NOT!!!

If I had 7 years of masturbation marination, I wouldn’t have felt so weird humping my bed when I was 12 and jizzing all over myself repeatedly. I could have told those 8th graders, “My masturbation prowess is already a fait accompli and I am on to sticking a finger in my own butt during orgasm, bitches.” Boo ya. And then I could have done the hand gesture for masturbating and “blew” it their faces and then sprinkled my hands down (as if indeed it were “raining” semen).

(But seriously, I don’t have regrets about my life that keep me up at night.)

At 12, they’ll learn the “reasons for” abortions — but they’ll already have known about their safety for three years. When they’re 15, they’ll be exposed to direct “advocacy to promote the right to and access to safe abortion.”

But in the U.S, they still won’t be able to have alcohol until they’re 21. So when they’re 12, how are you going to explain the old, “I was drunk and thought it would be ok to ejaculate inside a girl who wasn’t on the pill, because I was so tired of cumming all over myself all these years…and because I’m the man!” reason that a guy is sure to give at some point in his life?

I’m just saying…the program needs some tweeks.