Dear Guy in the Gym

I’m going to try and be as polite about this as I possibly can, but you’re a douche bag. Not only did you immediately become the laughing stock of my afternoon, but you instantly reminded me of why I hate meat heads and wish they would all elephant-walk right off the side of the Grand Canyon.

As I opened the door to our small neighborhood gym, I noticed you over there on the lat pull down machine, eye fucking your latissimus dorsi in the mirror. Now this isn’t such a lame thing to do in the gym, and you’re definitely not the first to commit this crime, but you still looked ridiculous. I calmly made my way over to the treadmill that stands directly in front of the television so I could enjoy me some Boston Red Sox beat down at the hands of the Detroit Tigers (or so I thought.)

As I changed the channel on the television, you jumped up from the machine and ran over to me, letting me know you were “watching that.” Here is how the conversation unfolded:

Gym Guy: Dude dude dude, I was totally watching that.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry man, I didn’t realize you were. My bad.

(I turn the station back to Gym Guy’s show – I’ll address what it was momentarily).

Gym Guy: Yeah, I was watching it.

Me: No big deal man, it’s all good.

Gym Guy: Oh, well if you want to watch the baseball game that’s cool.

Me: Really dude, it’s no big deal, I’m just going for a run.

Gym Guy: Well I have some friends that love baseball, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you never fuck with a man’s ball game.

Me: Huh?

Gym Guy: It’s cool man, you can watch the game.

Alright, what the F just happened here, dude? How did you go from being Johnny fucking Rough Nuts to Mr. Nice Guy in a matter of 13 seconds? And please tell me you don’t think we’re going to be buddies now that you let me watch the channel I wanted to watch. Truthfully, I don’t even like the Tigers and I don’t really give a shit what’s on TV while I run. And what do you mean you ”never fuck with a man’s ballgame?” Are you kidding me?

But this crap isn’t even the root of my most major problem with you, Gym Guy. Do you realize what show it was that you were watching when I changed the channel? You were watching The Closer, on TNT. And to think you wanted me to leave it on that 30 minutes of absurdity instead of watching baseball. For this Gym Guy, I hope Kyra Sedgwick jumps out of the TV and tears your lat in two.

Sincerely,

Big Lou Al Timber