Even Scientists Want To Get Lesbians Drunk

Lets get you two wasted!

Scientists get a bad rap. How many “cool” scientists can you think of? They never really get famous regardless of their accomplishments (barring Einstein, and we both know it’s just because he looks like a cross between an aged chia pet and Bea Arthur’s bush, circa 1987). But now one scientist, Tonda Hughes has done it; she is the coolest person I have ever heard of.

The UIC College of Nursing has received a $3 million federal grant to continue research to identify risk factors for excessive drinking among lesbians.

Who’s funding this? Cinemax? Somehow this woman got 3 million dollars to get a bunch of lesbians drunk? I can’t even get two lesbian hobos to make out if I offer them a room at the Waldorf! (This last sentence is completely untrue, I asked, they jumped at the chance, but there was no way I was going to spend $850 to watch what looked like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons make out with what appeared to be a female King Hippo).

The new study, combined with the 2000 and 2004 surveys, will provide the most comprehensive data yet available on the characteristics and determinants of hazardous drinking among lesbians, Tonda Hughes, professor of health systems science said.

WHAAAAAT? She has made a career of getting lesbians drunk and watching them? What the hell am I doing with my life? I am putting in my notice tomorrow. If there are any lesbians that are reading this, I am starting a new study. It will be a five-year study of 18-32 year old lesbian couples and how they react to having a three-way with me. Please send full body shots to be considered.