Wait One GD Minute!

Adjustments will be needed.

Is a penis like the worst possible thing to see in the world? Is it like the eye on top of whatever mountain that was in Lord of the Rings? Is it like the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Is it like Joey Chestnut’s lipid profile? Because that’s how we treat it.

Bradford Biggers, 51, is accused of exposing himself to a 14-year-old at Typhoon Lagoon over the weekend. He claims he was just adjusting his tight European-style swimsuit. “It’s a very small bathing suit and all I was doing was getting in and out of it.”

So let me get this straight, women can prance around with thongs flossing their ass cheeks (which I love) and have their tits being held in place by a piece of cloth so small it would mimic trying to balance a watermelon on a teaspoon (which I adore) and a dude gets thrown in jail for fixing his junk? World, do you know what it’s like to have the skin from your balls acting as a bonding agent to your inner thigh? It sucks. Literally.

It’s a penis, not a live rape room. I think the 14-year-old girl can handle seeing a penis. In Europe, girls probably get hit by free-wheeling swinging dicks at water parks and it’s seen as good luck. Come on America! let’s purge that Puritan out of us! WTF!

Then again…the guy’s name was Bradford Biggers. That thing probably looked like a sack of laundry. I might have been a little flustered myself.