You Sir, You Are Special

I am genuinely jealous of you

I believe in lists, and based on THIS article, a Top-5 Things I’d Most Like To Have Happen to me list so easily comes to mind:

I’d like:

5) To be on a beach alone with Marissa Miller and her bikini turns to carmel sauce and she tells me I’d better lick it off immediately while she felates me: and I’d like this to continue for months, maybe years.

4) To win $7 Billion Dollars.

3) To see conflict in Darfur, and all of Africa for that matter put entirely to rest.

(I know, you all think I threw that in there just so the next time I’m at a bar I can tell some 17 year old freshman that I believe this and I’m passionate about it – and then I get free sex for at least a night. Guess what, you’re RIGHT!)

2) To see Dodger Stadium get blown up by the Mexican Army, if they even have one. All Dodger fans included as well. Red Sox fans too.

1) And without question, the #1 thing I’d like to have happen to me would be to have 80,000 fans cheering for me as I unvail the way I WILL LOOK in my new uniform.

Guys, this wasn’t a press conference, it wasn’t a game, he didn’t score a motherfucking goal! He just walked out in his new uniform and there were 80,000 people there. 80,000! There weren’t 80,000 people at the goddamn Superbowl!

I haven’t even touched on what it must feel like to be one of the most attractive, desired, hopefully supermodel-laid, dudes on the planet. Because I can’t stand to even think about it.

WTF!