Dear Asteroid, Please Strike Earth Soon

Look. It's Alec Baldwin. See him?

I wish I was making this up. I really do.

A Stockton family says the image of Michael Jackson appeared on his tree stump the day the King of Pop died.

Please, please, please Mr. Asteroid, put us out of our misery.

First of all, have you ever been to Stockton, CA? Not exactly the IQ Capital of America. Secondly, how in the fuck do you see an image of Michael Jackson in that photo above?!?!?!?! I just took six hits of LSD and still, all I see is the stump of what used to be a branch. That’s it.

Many people in the crowd who gathered to look at the stump Sunday afternoon saw the resemblance, but why would Michael Jackson appear instead of a religious figure — or even any of the other celebrities who recently passed away? “Because Michael Jackson was an icon to us,” said one neighbor. “To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they’re both about even.”

Oh pretty please Mr. Asteroid! Make it swift!

To Stockton? To some people? Make up your mind “some neighbor”. Michael Jackson and Jesus were even? Nice. No wonder Stockton is a God forsaken place. Hey Andrew Luria, are you interviewing homeless guys chewing on sand and sniffing heroin? Come on, guy.

Some say it looks more like the Scarecrow, and some say it looks like Jesus.

Oh for fuck’s sake, people!

Mr. Asteroid. I will blow you if it gets you here quicker. Please come put an end to our collective uselessness.