Damnit Baboons!

Get to work man!

Dear Male Baboons,

WTF. Do you realize that if you continue to be platonic friends with your female counterparts, women of the homo sapien species will say, “Seeeeeeee! Don’t give me this, animals have the simple desire to spread their seed bullshit!” and quite frankly, I don’t want to hear it.

So let’s sweep this under the rug. Start tagging every female baboon you see and make sure you scream at the top of your lungs while you are doing it. (Note: beating your chest will help too.)

If you are stuck in the “friend zone” only because you are “putting in work as you try to get into the panties of all panties”, then that’s fine but just know that scientists poking around in your habitat are saying that you are going soft and to be frank…a little gay. So make your move soon, please. For the sake of every individual male on the planet who uses the “but it’s what I was made to do” argument when they get caught passing their cock around like flyers.

We’d appreciate it.

With love, admiration and respect for that big bare red ass you got,

The Commodore