Calm. Down.

You found a new best friend.

If there were ever a story that would be the poster child for “choosing your battles”, it would be this one.

A judge sentenced a Kansas City man to 33 years in prison Thursday for murder during a melee that erupted when someone threw a bottle of hot sauce.

There’s something about the words, “melee” and “hot sauce”in the same sentence that make me giggle though.

A Jackson County jury convicted Jarvis T. Williams, 29, in April of second-degree murder, three counts of assault and four counts of armed criminal action. Prosecutors contended that he fired more than 20 rounds from an assault rifle into a car on Oct. 23, 2005. The fusillade killed Garry Scott, 22, and wounded three others in the car.

Bro. Was this hot sauce like Butch’s watch in Pulp Fiction? Did your grandfather make this hot sauce and give it to a pilot named Winaki to give to your pop? Did your father stick that uncomfortable hunk of glass, up his ass for 5 years before he died of dysentery? If not, you need to calm down.

Bringing a gun to a knife fight is one thing, but bringing an assault rifle to a condiment fight is like derailing a train into a rocky ravine because the conductor asked for your ticket.