Newsflash: Cat Owners Just Got Creepier

Tara in 2030

There are two types of people in the world: people who like pets and those who don’t. This is of course ignoring the third type: the type that would eat those pets because, in their country, a steady source of meat in their diet is more unrealistic than Count Chocula eating a bowl of Grape Nuts. To get even more scientific, you can break the pet owners into two subspecies of dog owners and cat owners. Now, there are subtle differences in these people: those who hate shedding, dry food vs. wet food, and so on, but the real difference here is that dog owners aren’t the creepiest people you have ever met. Cats have never been called “man’s best friend”, because they aren’t your friend, they don’t like you; they simply tolerate you because you feed them. But now, cats and cat owners have gotten even creepier.

“Tara Brown of Venice Beach, California, noticed that her white, spotted cat, Lucky Cat, would scurry between her feet whenever she pumped barbells. “I like to use light weights anyway for the bicep curls and twists, so I use my cat, Brown said. Lucky Cat seems to want to hang out with me when I’m exercising, so I’ll use her.”

Nope Nope Nope, I don’t like it. Let me take a stab in the dark here Tara, you’re single. Let me take another stab here, there is only one pussy in your house that has gotten any action in a long time. “Catflexing,” as it’s called is about as adorable as Jodie Foster’s rape scene in The Accused. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, DON’T YouTube it, just trust me, it’s disturbing. Tara, join a gym, eat less, put your cat down (I think the vet can do it with a shot), and stop talking to your mother five times a day (I know you do).