Miniature Cows = Miniature Logic

My Dream Cow

Farmers in Nebraska are downsizing their herds of Bovine, putting stock into new “miniature cows”.

“Walking through their lowing herd of several hundred cattle, Ali and Kenny Petersen were like two Gullivers on a Lilliputian roundup. The half-sized cows barely reached Kenny’s waist. The ranch’s border collie stared eye-to-eye with wandering calves.”

Great news, smaller cows mean less greenhouse gasses. I do see one little-itty-bitty problem with this plan though. Americans love meat, and want the same amount of meat they had last year, maybe more. I know when I was a kid I fell for the “What weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?” I would say “bricks, duh” with the greatest of confidence before realizing I was mildly retarded and that they weighed the same. My point is this; if everyone wants the same amount of meat, and you have tiny cows to help the environment that produce half the meat of a regular cow, won’t you just need TWICE as many cows to produce the same amount of meat making this idea absolutely pointless?

Just like baseball, I don’t care if my cows are “juicing”. I want god damn King Kong cows running around these fields. I want five-pound filets. I want these cows so big they would think about teaming up and revolting against the humans. And you know what these giant cows would eat? Miniature cows.