Damn You, Tom Brady

Damnit

It’s official. Tom Brady got to ejaculate inside of Gisele Bundchen without a condom on, because she’s pregnant. I think that sound you hear is the universe tearing apart because God said, “Tom Brady’s existence is officially better than mine.”

I think the Discovery Channel should do a Planet Earth – like video journey of that sperm going from Tom’s penis to Gisele’s egg. Long sweeping shots in HD with violins playing in the background and Richard Attenborough using the most precise English ever known to man. I would watch that. I would like to watch the reaction of all those sperm as they swim inside Gisele’s vagina (I’m so jealous of those little fuckers) and look around in amazement. Shit, some of them probably won’t even race to the egg. Half of them would just be enjoying the time in Gisele’s vagina as they stop and smell the fallopian tubes and talk about how good they have it. The show would of course culminate as the race to the egg of eggs is completed. (Why do I have a boner right now?)

So fuck you Tom (I don’t really mean that. I only say “Fuck you” because I’m jealous of your incomprehensible good looks, your perfect jaw bone, your absurdly hot Brazilian wife, your Super Bowl rings and MVP’s. Please accept my apology), and Tom’s sperm, with your probably perfectly shaped wriggling selves.