The Census Bure-OH MY!

She's not a citizen, idiot! Look at her! She's Asian!

Overland Park resident Kim Mertin said that when she opened her front door on Monday to find a man claiming to be a U.S. Census worker, she answered his questions. Mertin said the man commented about her clothing, asked if she’d like a back rub. She said he even asked if she was wearing pink undies. “On several occasions, he touched himself,” she said.

Clearly this guy was having some neighborhood fun looking for a visual “on-ramp” to his masturbatory desires, that’s all, right? Nope. The dude, actually worked for the Census Bureau. A woman from the Census Bureau was apparently dumbfounded at how this could possibly happen:

It was shocking. All employees go through vigorous background checks, and additional screenings once hired.

Yeah sure, this is as shocking as Breach, lady. How on earth did a double-agent slip through the cracks unnoticed at the Census Bureau??? Come on! A vigorous background check? It’s the Census Bureau! Don’t you guys bring your employees over in the same containers that the Greeks brought over the sex slaves in season 2 of The Wire?

The only qualification to be census worker has to be: can you add an inflection at the end of a sentence to signify that a question is being asked? and/or, can you sell Samoa Girl Scout Cookies? Jiffylube probably has a tougher background check. I wonder how “the Bureau” handled the situation though.

For privacy reason, Chattin-Reynolds said that she could only say that the situation was handled.

Jesus. That sounds like how the “other” Bureau would handle it. Well at least we now know that the U.S. population = (Whatever the census Bureau says it is) – 1.