Kenya Is Terrifying

Move from places where this could happen

Early humans evolved near Lake Victoria in Kenya but then quickly migrated and colonized other lands, leaving Sub-Saharan Africa forever in the Cretaceous period. It was probably because shit like this happens in Kenya.

A Kenyan man bit a python which wrapped him in its coils and dragged him up a tree during a fierce three-hour struggle. Mr Nyaumbe used his shirt to smother the snake’s head and prevent it from swallowing him.

Are you kidding me? I get frustrated when my shoelace becomes untied while I’m walking. I can’t imagine my frustration level as I got dragged up a tree by a python who wanted to swallow me like a multi-vitamin. I’m sure the 3-hour struggle was because it took him that long to wiggle himself free since no one was around, right?

His employer arrived with police and villagers, who tied the python with a rope and pulled them both down from the tree with a thud.

Jesus Christ. That maneuver seems a bit wreckless. No net? No anti-snake prongs or something? Tying things up with rope and yanking it down is how they destroyed castle walls in the Middle Ages, isn’t it?

Supt Katam told the BBC the officers had wanted to shoot the snake but could not do so for fearing of injuring Mr Nyaumbe.

Who trained these cops, Martin Riggs? How would shooting a serpent (with absolutely no bone mass to slow a bullet, whatsoever) that is completely circumnavigating a human being, ever be an option?

Well, at least they saved the guy and captured the snake…

The police officer said they took the snake to a sanctuary in Malindi town but it escaped overnight, probably from a gap under the door in the room where it was kept. “We are still seriously looking for the snake,” said Supt Katam. “We want to arrest the snake because any one of us could fall a victim.”

(blink….blink) Wow. I am not sure which one of those previous sentences leaves me most flabbergasted. Is Kenya being run by the contestants of Kid’s Nation or something? WTF!