I Wanna Party Like It’s 1995

This is for you, Antonio

I know this article has been updated and the deal is not “done yet”, but here’s hoping.

I never knew it was possible for two Phoenixes (new word) to rise from the ashes at once. Well it is: Steven F. Seagal, 57, and Jean-Claude Camille François Van Varenberg (or as you may know him: Jean-Claude Van Damme), 49, are teaming up for a movie called Weapon, that the whole world is anticipating more than a Blossom reunion. These two have been in a combined 76 movies, and somehow not one of them together. So what is the exciting plot bringing these two together?

Rival assassins – one skilled with a knife and one skilled as a sharpshooter. OK, so far we have the exact plot of the movie Assassins staring Antonio Banderas and Sylvester Stallone. A movie that was actually made in 1995. Ah, but Weapon takes a surprising turn when these two rival assassins have to team up against a greater enemy. Hold on a second, now it’s the plot from Antonio Banderas’s 2002 movie Ballistic Ecks vs. Sever.

What in the hell is going on here? Two action stars no one has cared about since people were yelling “You down with O.P.P.?” and they are teaming up to combine two shitty Antonio Banderas movies? Fellas, I know this decade has been tough. Teaming up with the likes of Ja Rule and Dennis Rodman didn’t really pan out. But come on, your common ground cannot be old Antonio Banderas movies. Is Melanie Griffith the love interest? Are your two assassin code names “Desperado” and “Zorro”? You two just build me up to break me down.