Leeches-R-Us

It's true

Superb. This is just what we need. An already proven and crowded society of self loathing whiners is turning even more needy.

As layoffs mount, portfolios shrink and headlines become gloomier, many singles may be finding the harsh reality of having no one to lean on during the economic crisis unbearable.

Youuuuuuu pussies. Unbearable? No, living in Leningrad during a WWII winter is what I’m guessing would be unbearable. Having someone saw off your leg with no painkillers while you actually bite a bullet, would be unbearable. Getting nailed to a cross, and left for your death and then stabbed in the rib, for giggles? Unbearable. Having no one to lean on during an economic crisis is…AWESOME!

Fellas, be alone. Figure it out. Hunker down. Eat Chinese food ass naked on your couch. Be unkempt. You’re trying to get a girlfriend right now?! How does that logic work? Let’s see. I’m broke and trying to save money. What’s the best way to save money? Hmmmm. I know! Let’s get an emotionally dependent girlfriend that I have to impress, take out to dinner and provide for because she’s broke too! Perfect!

Morons.

She has since been matched with about seven “really nice people,” leading to a number of dates and making it easier to cope with the possibility that her job could be in jeopardy because of the bad economy, Melissa said.

Are you kidding me?! Making it easier to cope? No shit! 7 free dinners and a license to bitch and complain makes things A LOT easier doesn’t it, Melissa? How about the guys buying you free shit that you’re mowing through? How are they “coping”?

Guys, don’t fall for any of this. Your wallet is not Melissa’s soup kitchen. Splurge on some hookers if you can’t figure out how to get laid being a 30k millionaire.

For shit’s sake, be strong and Godspeed.