Cynthia Nixon…WTF?

Yes, they are both female.

Dear Cynthia,

What the fuck are you doing? I realize that going gay is the Hollywood thing to do but you didn’t have to pick someone that looks like Mama Fratelli from The Goonies. You’re better than that. Look what Ellen was able to get herself? A nice, hot Portia de Rossi. You get a gremlin.

Maybe us guys just don’t get it. Maybe this “lady” has the tongue of a Gila Monster and a vagina like Austrian wildflowers freckled with morning dew, basking in the dawn’s glow. I don’t know.

Is there really a shortage of lesbos out there? Because I don’t know if I would bang your girlfriend if she was the last person on earth and human existence depended on it. I would say, “You know, us humans had a good run. Let’s call it a day” and then I’d kill myself because I couldn’t bear to look at her.

Cynthia, darling. Please fix this. Maybe I could send you the links to the porn I watch. There are so many hot rug rats in there that would probably love to go down on you for a living.

I know love is more than the sex and the anal beads and the grape jelly but for God’s sake, you don’t want to throw up in your mouth everytime you look at the person laying in bed next to you, do you?

With respect (and a sure-fire erection in case you needed a real hog and someone more interesting to look at than the “Syndrome” look alike from The Incredibles that you are currently with),

The Commodore