by Commodore on February 8, 2010
We heard you buddy...now calm down
I do give organized religion a bad rap, but sometimes a religious story makes me bite my tongue and rethink my fervent stand against its sometimes misunderstood stances. This story isn’t one of those, and in fact, it made me bite my tongue in shock.
A Christian group in Michigan has filed a lawsuit alleging that a package of hate crimes laws named after murder victim Matthew Shepard is an affront to their religious freedom.
Yeah! Cause if we want to torture and kill people for their physiological differences – all in the name of Jesus Christ – then we’re gonna do it! Yay God!
Haven’t we had enough with organized religion by now? My issue isn’t with the basis of religion, itself. My issue is with the fact that idiot humans are left to openly interpret things on their own 2000 years later that was written in a language that they don’t speak. It would be as if Nicholas Cage found a millenium old treasure map under the lost city of Atlantis and started to tell us what the symbols meant without having any idea what those symbols actually meant.
Filed by the Thomas More Law Center — which bills itself as the religious answer to the American Civil Liberties Union — the complaint claims that protecting gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people “is an effort to eradicate religious beliefs opposing the homosexual agenda from the marketplace of ideas by demonizing, vilifying, and criminalizing such beliefs as a matter of federal law and policy.”
Ah yes, because the byproduct of protecting someone from being physically or mentally harmed due to their sexual orientation, ethnicity or religion seems like the un-Christian thing to do. I must have missed that part of the parable when Jesus brought that gay leper Lazarus back to life so he could torture and re-kill him. Come to think about it, I must have missed the entire section of the Bible which said, “Judge everyone else. Judge the shit out of them and throw the first stone for whatever reason befits your interests. Hate thy enemy…and fuck it, hate thy neighbor the same. And where the fuck is Judas, that cocksucking prick?”
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by Commodore on February 7, 2010
by Commodore on February 7, 2010
by Commodore on February 5, 2010
Just like Kim, some names are just unlucky
It doesn’t happen often. I’m usually scouring the internet for things that make me shake my head and deem myself better than the rest of humanity but today is different. If this doesn’t make you giggle your ass off, well…you’re probably Saudi and a devout Muslim and in that case, cool out. Please don’t kill me. I just report the facts.
A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to “Biggest Dick” in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh.
Kibosh = heave-ho for those scratching their heads. But seriously, how funny is this?!? Would the U.S ever reject an ambassador if their name was: Mike Oxhewge? Or Justin Cider? or Adolf Oliver Nipples? This is hysterical! Well I’m sure that guy will be posted in another Arab coun- I’m sorry….Oh dear.
Pakistan had previously floated Zeb’s name as ambassador to the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain, only to have him rejected for the same reason.
Pakistan, cut the shit! Give this guy a post in a non-Arab speaking country for Pete’s sake. Well, for the biggest dick’s sake, actually.
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by Commodore on February 4, 2010
Clear as day
Can’t we just do away with a few people here and there to weed out the sludge? Populations can’t keep growing forever. At some point, some people are gonna have to go. Let’s start with…her.
A 51-year-old Crestview woman who had been warned about calling 911 for non-emergency reasons was arrested Jan. 26 after the fourth call in 90 minutes. She was calling to report that her husband had taken her cell phone and would not return it, according to her arrest report.
You read that correctly. She wasn’t 15. She was 51, with a presumably fully developed brain. Talk about bad problem solving skills. That would be like calling in a demolition specialist, a quarry digging company, and an excavator to plant some tomatoes in your garden.
When an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office deputy went to their home after the third call, he attempted to call the number for the phone that had been reported as stolen. He heard it ringing in the room, he wrote in his report. At that time, deputies told her not to call again about the phone.
She never bothered to actually call her own cell phone. That should be ground for a public execution for wasting the police’s time.
After she called again, she was arrested for abusing the 911 system. When she was searched prior to being placed in the patrol car, the phone was located in her jacket pocket.
Ready. Aim. Fire.
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by Commodore on February 3, 2010
Idiots
I still give myself a partial aneurysm everytime I try and figure out who the hell came up with the whole shadow thing with this fat Groundhog and why. What is all the hoopla is about? Yes, I know I could Wikipedia it, but a good aneurysm every now and then flushes the system out. Since 1889, the son of a bitch has been right 39% of the time! That is worse than flipping a coin. He is more incorrect than the standard variance allows on 50-50 chance happenings. If they just changed the rules, he would be right 61% of the time. This is nonsense. Thank God PETA has a good idea.
PETA thinks it’s time for the nation’s hairiest weatherman to enjoy an early retirement. PETA’s proposal: instead of parading and manhandling the wee groundhog, replace ol’ Phil with a robot.
Or, we could just winter pass at its natural pace and we can all just deal with it. Whaddya say?
Rather than look for its shadow, an iPhil could analyze the latest weather patterns, perhaps even project how global warning might permanently usher in an early Spring.
Can’t we just continue letting meteorologists continue predicting unpredictable things this as they’ve done for umteen years? Do we really need an iPhil to add to the climate change debate? Because this societal basket we’re in is a hand basket, and that fiery pit we’re careening to is in fact, hell.
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by Commodore on February 2, 2010
Good job, sperm!
It’s been suggested that sperm have a one track mind. Egg or bust. I always kind of felt bad (ok, not bad enough to stop) for a load of sperm that was swallowed by a girl. Those billions of swimmies thinking that they were in the fallopian tubes only to later see bits of food and think to themselves, “Hey…wait a SECOND!” Well, we can all be glad to know, that a particular legion of sperm that traveled down an esophagus, found a way to the egg in a girl WITHOUT a vagina. Take that Mother Mary!
Oral conception. Impregnation via the proximal gastrointestinal tract in a patient with an aplastic distal vagina. Case report. The patient was a 15-year-old girl employed in a local bar. She was admitted to hospital after a knife fight involving her, a former lover and a new boyfriend.
Ahh, young love.
The girl had some minor lacerations of the left hand and a single stab-wound in the upper abdomen. Under general anaesthesia, laparotomy was performed through an upper midline abdominal incision to reveal two holes in the stomach. These two wounds had resulted from the single stab-wound through the abdominal wall. Precisely 278 days an emergency lower segment caesarean section was performed under spinal anaesthesia and a live male infant weighing 2800 g was born. The patient was well aware of the fact that she had no vagina and she had started oral experiments after disappointing attempts at conventional intercourse. Just before she was stabbed in the abdomen she had practised fellatio with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover. The fight with knives ensued.
Are you kidding me?! The sperm traveled from the holes in the stomach to gain access to the egg. That is the most amazing thing I have ever heard. That kid is going to get so much ass when he grows up. I mean, his sperm has to be the most fertile lot on earth. Probably a bunch of Macgyvers floating around just waiting for the chance to find the egg. When this kid grows up, he could ejaculate into the Atlantic Ocean breeze off the coast of Africa and some chick in Iowa will get pregnant.
Kudos to you, life. You always do find a way. But I think the main thing to take away from all this, is that you shouldn’t stab a girl in the stomach right after she gave you a BJ. I learn something new everyday.
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by Commodore on January 31, 2010
Ooo look! A strawberry!
Look, I’m all for the freaky deeky when it comes to action between the sheets, and I understand that everyone has fantasies and fetishes but there has to be rules. And whatever those rules are, this company just broke them.
Click on that site. Just do it. That strawberry might be real but that is not a real foot, people! You can buy a fake foot with a vagina on its sole for $99. And if you wanted to, you could stick what looks like a plastic baguette into that orifice. Don’t take my word for it, just look here.
What. In. The. World?
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by Commodore on January 29, 2010
minus a penny
Most people who work hard for a decade expect to either have enough money to retire, enough money to buy a house, or enough money to buy a wife. Janet Maitland worked hard for a decade to get enough money to buy a…a…jeez, I don’t know what 14 cents could buy you these days.
Janet Maitland is nothing if not a good telephone services consumer. Back about a decade ago, she got her long distance phone service through Costco. It was called TTI and it offered a smoking deal. She had put $5 on account and nearly a decade later, she still has 14 cents left. But then out of nowhere, that 14 cents disappeared. “It is 14 cents, but it is my 14 cents,” she said.
Jesus Christ, lady. I can’t even say you’re nickel and diming them because, well because 14 cents is less than a nickel and a dime. You have undershot the term “nickel and diming”. That’s impressive. That’s like having a menage a trois with one other person.
Soon after, Maitland got a check for 14 cents.
Yaaaaaaaaay. I love street justice.
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by Commodore on January 28, 2010
Ted, be like Lance and stop fighting it
Watching an evangelical Christian trying to rationalize her husband’s homosexual behavior as merely, “unwanted compulsions” makes me giggle.
Ted Haggard’s wife is standing by her man, no matter how many times he may have had homosexual affairs. Gayle Haggard appeared on the “Today” show on Wednesday to talk about her new book, “Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made In My Darkest Hour,” and declared that her one-time Evangelical superstar husband was “cured” of his homosexual compulsions.
Who on earth is going to buy this book? You stayed because you’re scientifically misinformed, you’re crazy, and he’s rich. We get it. Stop writing please.
“I felt as though, you know, we all struggle, you know, in different areas of our lives, and certainly in our sexuality, so I was willing to forgive him.”
Well Gayle, don’t let him watch Justin Timberlake’s performance of “Halleluja” from the Hope for Haiti telethon. Trust me. You don’t want your husband’s “gay” to be reignited since your relationship is doing so well. Either way, have fun being married to a homosexual for the rest of your life. Toodles!
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